I tried so hard to stay away 
I am not supposed to be here until the evening [EDIT: but I didn’t send my novel until the evening, great] but I suspect how my meal will look like. Just beautiful!!! The weather is gloomy so I doubt I could make right of it but maybe I try to make a photo. But it won’t be good.
I am sorry for last time, I had a tiny woe crisis, I missed meat, felt miserable, faced the prices of veal (1 kg not too expensive cut costs more than what I have for 3-4 days in total)… And overdid thinking about food. I am sorry you saw that. I bounced back, now I feel way better emotionally and okay physically. And it just gets better as I realized sparing my tiny proper meat is a horrible idea, my lean pork chops aren’t so precious anyway and I got them out of the freezer. It was 8 nice slices, I thought maybe I can put some back… Yeah, sure. I fried them and it’s such a little meat for 2 persons… Well generous in my life but still. So we eat it up for sure, maybe there will be a tiny leftover especially considering how Alvaro tends to eat meat… [No, he ate it all up. Not like it was much.] But none for the freezer. They were the inside of the big baked slab, all white and lean… I fried them in lard and now they are beautiful. They must be good with soy sauce but we have Aussie mint sauce too. Sugary though. And neither are carni but I am more flexible than that. Though maybe not today [yes, of course I had to taste it again]. I feel a compulsion and a high possibility anyway to be so very perfect [I really should know myself better but it was a nice day]. I eliminated the Aussie sweets problem for a long while. And I never ever will underestimate my curiosity. Of course I had to taste almost everything! I had a great second birthday (mine is in July but things went slow) and I feel sorry for all the poor unfortunate souls who feel the compulsion to eat such things every day. I wouldn’t do it for money. Once is different but it was hard, I needed all the black coffee, water and fat I could consume to balance things out. I ended up feeling better than after 20ml cream (and that’s not bad) so I am relieved my body doesn’t lay down and start dying even in extreme circumstances. Not even a real uncomfortable feeling, I just feel I ate carbs. I always feel it and it’s not ideal but not actually bad. I only try to avoid it because I want to feel as ideally well as possible AND I am sure not ideal means I eat unwell and it’s not healthy for my poor body but it can handle it now and then. If it is a must. I so wouldn’t do it just because a birthday or Christmas, only when it’s very special and I have no power to refuse. So not a deliberate choice to enjoy myself because I can (okay, I had that before but my goal is losing that and I think I am close) but the acceptance of my limits (I expect changes there too. more and more things are losing their power on me. I couldn’t test cakes due to covid, I definitely want to be someone who can’t get tempted by the best homemade sugary or low-carb but too carby ones, not even once a year. Hungarian housewife villagers bake extremely well and not all use a ton of sugar either).
Sorry I actually didn’t want to make such a post. 
I wanted to express my joy over my little pork and indeed, it’s wonderful. It’s just what my body needs now. After my fast. I have no idea if I get hungry today. Carby days always trigger very deep and long lasting satiation, no wonder, zillion carbs with very high fat do that to me.
Sounds good, the problem is that I lost my ability to do keto since I tried carni. I do carni - or I do low-carb, I definitely go over my ketosis carb limit (somewhere around 45g net carbs - and unlimited total, of course). And well, that is too much for me anyway, I mean, barely in ketosis. I don’t feel calm and content there. So I heroically fight and it’s a tad stressful.
And how would I do keto? I can’t add vegetables. I can’t really add nuts. My single big fav is peanut and I am happy I lost my addiction. Poppy seeds and walnuts have a chance… But that means eating sweets… So my keto would be mostly animal products and gluten…? I don’t want to eat gluten for some reason, I don’t know why, it’s cheap, I can make it tasty if I overdo spices… I have all those automatic restrictions. It’s hard for me to use sweeteners too (unless I make a dessert that actually needs to be sweet… but it’s a dilemma then, what I should use, sweetener or fruit. and I don’t want sweets so I rather don’t go there). Many off days feel very not okay. I would embrace them if I really wanted eating plants and sweets. But using them as forced necessity… It feels wrong. Even if they would keep me going totally off. Not like there is a problem with that occasionally.
It still seems EASY not to stray much. I don’t know why it doesn’t happen but I have no other chance, I keep trying. So I will have carni days, a few planned off (but usually still quite low-carb) days (though my mind is resistant, I never like to plan off days so I basically never do unless when I don’t see another way. but there is always another way) and failed (but hopefully still very low-carb) days.
I think about it too much again and make myself crazy. So I stop and hope for the best! (That would be the beef farm having pork or mutton… but I would be okay with beef just not the expensive veal. I heard it has a softer taste anyway… that’s not good, tenderness, on the other hand, is very good. beef is very chewy especially the cheaper parts and we can’t and don’t want to handle that).
I have pork now. Oh I still made a photo. Look at it!
Not my fav, I don’t plan to ever buy this lean part anymore but it’s very precious for me right now. And I fried it in lard, slices and smaller peaces too… I had such a slice yesterday, I put some smoked pork chuck with it and some extra fat tissue… It was nice after my eggs with bacon. And then chaos ensued, of course.
My hypothese was right: I can handle about anything (in less than OMG-it’s-insane amount) if I don’t eat the sugar alone but with lots of fatty protein (I always feel fatty meat is the absolute best or maybe lard. my body desires it after sugar, it’s very obvious it wants just that). Good to know, I will use the knowledge when I just must eat very sweet fruit. Surprisingly little fruit caused problems for me in the past but I will eat them anyway (at least for a while more but a life without fruits? I am not sure I want that. well, I still can grow and smell and pick and SEE the beauties… I love deadly mushrooms too, after all and I don’t even touch them just look at them and make photos) and I want to spare the incomfortable feelings.
I wonder if it works with lactose… I love some whipping cream but it’s just like grapes: a little amount feels off. It seems the fat included can’t balance it out. But I ate much more cream during some meals and that didn’t feel worse. Maybe I never should consume it alone as I do it when I have it in my coffee. I often feel this off feeling after a creamy coffee and I use very tiny amounts. It’s not the coffee and I don’t feel it when I drink it black. But I felt something similar when I drank a coffee with an egg. I wondered if it’s just because my mind forgot it has no cream in it and it’s a similar drink and dragged the usual feeling even if the trigger wasn’t there…? Or coffee combined with certain things is like that? I don’t remember my reaction to egg milk but I think it’s better. Hmmmm…
Whatever. Coffee with cream farther from my meals is something I wanted to get rid of anyway. No coffee and no cream would be the perfect thing but I am so not there yet… But I keep working on reducing the amounts.
[…]
I am after my meal now. I was hungrier I expected, well it happens when I don’t eat until almost 7pm but probably a few eggs and a little meat is never enough… I will make sure I will have something extra to add at all times. I made this and that and finally fatbombs. I almost never made fat bombs and never could afford them anyway, I could easily overate fat without them, thank you very much. But they may be a little useful in certain times. Especially when I didn’t prepare enough normal food and my usual ready to eat things run low… I get more eggs on Friday as usual (and as Alvaro points out, he can buy some okay eggs in the store too) and I visit the pig farm shop again, I used up all my lard today, I badly miss sausages and my smoked pork is barely enough until then. Hopefully they will have more stuff this time, other people missed them too and they went on a weekday and bought all ribs and lard.
The pork today was very nice 
The Aussie sweets (1500g total, so about 900g carbs, it will last for a while even for Alvaro who eats the chocolates with his own carby rice cake) keep providing amusement, I found a rare Kagu bird in a Yowie named Ditty (Alvaro ate it just like Nap yesterday who had a sloth inside). Even Amy didn’t know about this bird and she is Australian. But it’s an endangered species from New Caledonia. Pretty bird, with very proper wings but the muscles are too weak so it can’t fly.
Kellyn, I have not much problems with my desires. I almost never desire any carby things since ages. things are a tad complicated but the main problem is that I can’t always get/eat enough from my carni food. That would solve most of my dietary problems. But it’s not so bad, I should be able to have a very good woe with what I can have.
Yeah, it may be easy if one can eat beef every day… I can’t eat it every month. What was it, 5 months this far? No problem, I don’t like beef much anyway but it would be nice to have a bit again… Just to spice up things. I am not even sure beef patties are a thing in this country. Beef is expensive, no matter where and what I buy. Fortunately pork is way cheaper and it’s my fav. Chicken is tricky, it can be insanely cheap and kind of expensive and as far as I know, the taste is correlated with it but what’s worse, I refuse to buy normal cheap commercial chicken. I don’t sell my soul to the Satan, erm, support animal cruelty for an almost tasteless meat… Chicken liver is great, at least - and I couldn’t buy it from proper sources if I wanted. So I allow that for a while, not too often, until I can get good liver from good sources.
Thank you, Kellyn, for your nice words. I don’t know why I am this well tolerated, I am critical with myself just can’t resist and Fangs encouraged me… Sadly, keto is no real option for me. I don’t even know what my keto could be. I burned the bridges and when I manage to go for a visit, it’s nice for a meal or two then my carb-related problems start to return. I thought of some very low-carb keto but my very low-carb keto is carni, I can’t do it any other way. Theoretically, I could add erythritol and a little gluten (but it makes no sense. if it’s gluten, be it 200g, that’s cute for a meal)… That was always my plan B and somehow I never could bring myself to do it. Or very, very rarely.
I rather add fat bombs but those are carni.
I stop reading as I would write even more…
See you in the next evening when I will be kind of pleased with my day.
Why would I? It is too darn good right here for me 
. The year is speeding by.
. I tried smoked pork…As my beautiful friend Shinita eats it. It was DELICIOUS!!!
. I’m trying. I’m SO tired and lazy tonight. It’s amazing I had energy to cook.
. But I have a pituatry gland tumour that needs to be removed. And the doctors told me it causes extreme exhaustion… all sorts of things… I can’t wait until it’s removed. Then i might actually get energy?? Who knows.
. I went ahead and ate the hamburgers I made this morning and feel so much better. I will wait until I get hungry again to take my lunch since I don’t really have a set time to go to lunch.
