My condolences @Fangs 
(I hope black heart isn’t used for something I don’t plan to. I just combine heart and grief. I saw it used like this but who knows about modern smiley slangs? Not me.) I was afraid of this development, she wasn’t in a good shape based on the little info I knew from your comments. Of course, there is always hope but at some point it’s in vain or runs out. Sigh.
We have one parent left too. We lost them pretty early. We are only in our 40s. Well I never had a father to begin with, not even before the divorce so I never missed that one… Alvaro’s parents divorced too but there was contact until his death, he seemed a fun chap. I only met him a few times. We are still in some contact with his nice second wife (well, there were 2 half-siblings of Alvaro too).
I just hope Alvaro’s Mom lives for a loooooooooong time. Despite her health problems. She had her hip surgery, she even lost weight last year, she has a strong will, she is spirited most of the time and first of all, her mind is fine 
I really appreciate the last one as Mom’s cousin isn’t that lucky (well she was when she was as young as Alvaro’s Mom…). I really hate physical ailments especially the ones that makes one dependent on others but losing our mind and memories? Not realizing our life partner of MANY decades just passed? That’s the worst. She was my aunt’s cousin. She hasn’t attended the funeral, she wouldn’t have even understand what was going on… Pure tragedy.
I am sorry if it got too negative, I deleted things first but couldn’t help my thoughts the second time either.
I could use that attitude. I had some problems with it in the last few months. Stronger than ever. How can I go through it I don’t know. I am not good with self-restraint when it is about food. I need to lose interest if I want success.
Bright sunny day again, I shot the crocuses (they are prettier than 2 days ago) and bring the photos after I made some of my very, very beautiful, nicely fatty pork loin roast. It was so fatty it gave me some lard! I made it last evening, it only needs some warming up and we can jump it! It’s for dinner as Alvaro still eats eggs in purgatory and I had such a super wild 2 days that I might not get hungry today but probably I will. I possibly set my carb percentage record in my life not counting super low-cal days and my very low-fat one. I ate almost exclusively bread, my own very low-carb one in the end but still. I NEVER did this before. As I wrote, it is serious. How could I mess it up this much? No idea but I have a phase where I just start to lose hope in myself in general. That isn’t a healthy or useful attitude and I will get over it but it’s hard now.
I need some drastic change in life, I know, I try and fail every day, bad habits just drag me back. Where is my willpower when I need it? I remember I had that.
I hate being this negative especially here where I am the most cheerful. As I am a super optimistic one but not very cheerful in the last decade. Sometimes (like, when the sun is shining and I take a walk. I can’t resist that :D) but normally very dark. But talking about food in such a nice company? That tends to bring out my more cheerful side. If I don’t start to think about deeper things.
So I am super out now except I really want and need to come back and I have a pretty roast.
Physically… Well I feel as expected, a bit heavy and SUPER full and satiated. I ate as much as I physically could (not close to my records I am very sure, I need a more balanced diet for that), I wasn’t even remotely hungry since days. Otherwise I am fine. My main macro was fat I suppose, I never managed to change that without some very serious conscious attempt. I wouldn’t want to know how I would feel without much fat. That’s abnormal and torturous to me.
IDK why anyone would eat like this for long (I just mean the amounts without hunger), it’s not fun. I have these “I don’t care” times but they are always very short. Even the taste and rebelliousness isn’t that good in that situation, at least after a while…
But that’s enough exhibitionism for a long while. I should solve my personal problems. With my horrid track record. I feel I am in quicksand since years. Quicksand is evil, it doesn’t kill you quickly like water (be it pure or marsh), you stops getting lower at some point but things are still pretty hopeless if you can’t get help. But I really stop here. Sorry. I wanted to be quick without bringing my own problems.
I can relate. I definitely feel I had my quota for a long time with my Aunt’s passing too. Even though Mom died 13 years ago. She was Mom. I don’t even had siblings or cousins or a father… Just her. Time helped though, now I feel my Aunt’s death a bit stronger as that is so much more close and I lost my last blood relative I had in contact with. I lost that after Grandma’s death but got back after Mom’s death. That was nice.
It’s good if one has family left, it helps immensely. Most people never should stay alone, it’s horrible. I know that even without being in that situation.
It’s good my sunlit 2 hour walk is near, I need that now.
they took it away and gave me a proper omelette which was cooked just right, nice and light. I found out that they had been sticking it under the grill after pan frying which was making it drop and turn into a flat heavy , fritata-like thing. I know if i had eaten it i would have ended up with indigestion!
i wanted to slice some belly pork slices into thinner strips to pan fry. I haven’t sliced belly pork before as they are bought sliced but needed them thinner. It didn’t work very well so will try my old manuel slicer next time. I pan fried them and they were flipping scrumptious. Just eaten them (nearly quarter to 2) and could easily have sliced up some more to cook and eat! I have another rump steak for dinner but i may cook some more belly pork later… we will see how hungry i feel!
