Oh, you’ve got to read this piece of unintentional comedy gold. A Huffington Post writer did a deep dive shallower than a kiddie pool into why we are all automatic failures in the face of nature and the irrepressible genius of the junk food industry juggernaut.
Here, I’ll sum it up for while you roll your eyes.
Reason 1: You’re a human being
“We can’t detect vitamins or minerals, but we’re really good at learning to spot density.” Uh, beg to differ with you, hun, but once I got rid of crap and went keto, I could easily detect cravings for nutrients. You may be confused because I didn’t say “Hostess.”
Reason 2: You have taste buds
“…it’s the flavorings on these Doritos that make you want to keep eating them.” Um, no, actually it’s the massive avalanche of carbs that aren’t signaling satiety while your body is desperately, but unsuccessfully, trying to get energy into cells during an insulin resistance blitzkrieg. But, you know, close.
Reason 3: You are, literally, an "eating machine"
"If something melts down quickly, your brain thinks that there’s no calories in it … " Are you fucking kidding me? The brain knows damned well there’s calories in Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby, that’s why it’s dopamine receptors are firing faster than a Quentin Tarantino shoot out. Google “sugar,” you halfwit.
Reason 4: You have happy childhood memories
“Think about it. You don’t serve chips at formal, stuffy dinners.” No, but there’s a shit-ton of cake and pie at funerals, what’s your point?
Reason 5: You are too busy for this nonsense
“Here’s the thing about fresh food: It spoils.” Yeah, and here’s the thing about your body: It does, too. This whole concept of staying away from the kitchen so you can put in long hours at the office to save up enough money to cover your diabetes and stroke after-care expenses later on is kinda creepy. Buy fresh and learn to cook, ignatz.
