Keto, body image, and dysmorphia

(melinda) #1

I think it’s impossible to live in our culture and not have some sort of dysmorphia. Even the teeny-tiny well-to-do high schoolers I taught had journals full of “if only I were tan” or “I just need to lose five pounds and I’ll be perfect.”

For most of us here, those thoughts had a basis in reality. Even as someone who strives for body positivity, when I looked at myself at under 5’0 and 241 pounds, I clearly had a problem.

The main point of this post is how we can deal with what we see in the mirror versus reality. I have lost a lot of fat in the past 5+ months. However, I don’t always see it. This WOE has helped me tremendously with my disordered eating- no more binging and no thoughts of my previous bulimia. However, it hasn’t let my brain process what I look like. I still very much so see myself as “not good enough” - the imposter syndrome that has been mentioned before. I still feel with every fiber of my body that knowledge that my own family didn’t think I was good enough solely based on my weight and appearance.

I am selling clothes that were tight on me because they’re too big now. My scale weight is the lowest it’s been since middle school. But I don’t see the difference. Sometimes I think I look like hot shit, but mostly I think it’s smoke and mirrors.

Even when I take photos, they either look the same or I think the lighting/angle/clothing is what’s making the difference. Every day I struggle with whether or not I should start counting calories. I haven’t been counting them since October, but I also haven’t seen those big scale victories, which I generally feel like are my only real victories. Any victory I have is felt for a moment and then turns into a “this 98% could be 100%! It should be 100%!”

This isn’t really a call for advice, and yes I have spent time in therapy. This is mostly a commentary on the psychological side of keto and weightloss.

Keto since September - having issues
(Meeping up the Science!) #2

There is a very psychological side to weight gain. No one is morbidly obese just because they eat carbohydrates. Upstairs needs a renovation if downstairs will work.

Congratulations on what you’ve accomplished, Melinda. You are absolutely right in that there is more to the process. We often focus on the nuance and detail of macros, however psychology and behavior are a huge factor. Just eating crap didn’t get me to 750 pounds. A lot more did.

(Meeping up the Science!) #3

I forgot - there is also a great documentary about this, called Killing Me Softly. Jean Kilbourne redoes it every few years, about how media affects women’s body image, and eating disorders/obesity. It’s fabulous. Here’s a TED talk she did; though not the original long format, it’s a great introduction.

#4

I think this is a very tricky thing to get to grips with but very important to find a way as you are losing weight. I have seen this time and time again in the weight loss surgery community where people lose vast amounts of weight but cannot see it in the mirror. I made a conscious effort to work on my self esteem as I went. I did this in one big way and small ways too.
The big way was to volunteer (before thinking about it too much) to pose nude for a life class. I was absolutely bricking it when I showed up and had to strip off in front of 25 people who were sitting as close as a metre away from me in a circle with me in the middle. I was about 100kg at the time. It helped that I have drawn a fair bit in the past so could imagine myself through the artists’ eyes and see how I was actually pretty interesting to draw with all my flesh rolls and curves. When I had done it this first time I was on a massive high - seriously, it was insane! Since that day, I have had an acceptance of the way I look.
The small ways were simply to stand in front of the mirror and look for the good points - because they are there, you just have to find them and appreciate them. Simply getting used to standing there looking at yourself does wonders to get you to accept yourself too. Another thing you can do is to imagine that you are your best friend and ask this friend to look at you and name three things that they like about the way you look. You have to be honest, which means finding those good things because you know your friend would.
Taking photos on a regular basis does help - monthly say. Wear the same clothes, ideally tight fitting. When I started losing weight, I chose the most awfully tight clothes that showed every lump and bump in the most unflattering way possible! Now they are baggy. That make s a great pic and makes you see that change - you can’t argue with it.

#5

I have this weird thing where if I see a picture of myself it looks nothing l like what I see in the mirror. I’m usually horrified and prefer to be on the other end of the lens. I was looking for before and after pictures lately (they do help!) and I could only find two pictures of myself taken in the past 8 years. :frowning:

(Meeping up the Science!) #6

There are almost no pictures of me from the last ten years. Too embarassed. Even now it is very hard.

(Richard Morris) #7

I regret not taking more fat photos … but I never thought I’d be not fat one day, and it was humiliating. BUt I look back at the photos now and because I’ve changed so mu I have an almost clinical detachment. It’s not me :slight_smile:

(melinda) #8

Omg I would love to do that. Not quite brave enough yet. I like to think of myself as this savvy, tough vixen, but in reality, I get self-conscious when my fiance leaves the lights on :joy: Plus, I live in a big small town- someone in that class would likely be a distant relative or someone I would see daily. Might get weird.

Honestly, I would do it if I knew everyone in the class was body positive and/or attracted to large bodies. I’m too scared of becoming someone’s fat joke otherwise.

(melinda) #9

I do that too. I think that’s where a lot of the “I don’t look different, it’s all smoke and mirrors” thoughts come from. Because I could always look cute from my perspective, but when you see someone else’s photo of you is when you’re like “Oh, lol, nevermind!”

(melinda) #10

There’s not many unflattering photos of me in existence, but after I started trying to be body positive, I tried to be more present in photos especially for my daughter’s sake.

(melinda) #11

Yeah, I wish I had taken better “before” photos and measurements.

(Louise ) #12

I can really relate to the disconnect between the ‘big girl’ and me now. The image in my mind’s eye just does not connect with what I see in the mirror. What is more ‘real’ for me is how I feel then and how I feel now. I have to remind myself about the gains I’ve made - more energy, more movement, more positivity, less joint pain. These are more real than the ‘image’ that I had of myself. The transition in my mind’s eye to disconnect and then reconnect with ‘new me’, took some time. That was a struggle letting go of the security of the ‘big girl’ image. Great work @melindotty on moving through!

#13

I knew the artist who led the group but none of the people there. I guess I knew that I was being objectified in a purely artistic way and that helped. There was no judgement, simply shapes to draw. I wouldn’t do it for a group of teenagers though!

#14

Me too. I was very slapdash about it. I wish I had done it say every week so I had a great progression to see.

#15

Yes, it is really easy isn’t it to assume that losing weight is all good? There are plenty of things I miss about being fat - it was definitely something I hid behind. I do feel way more exposed now and sometimes that is crappy.

(Larry Lustig) #16

Sometime in the New Year, I am going to have to make the adjustment from thinking of myself as overweight to thinking of myself as normal – maybe even “healthy” – weight. Oddly, I’m find myself not entirely comfortable with the change.

#17

Yes it is surprising. You would think everything great right? Not so.

(Guardian of the bacon) #18

I am barely 1/2 way to my goal. I had a very long ways to go when I started. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 lbs to lose. I’m about 90 lbs in now. When I look in the mirror I still see the same me I ever saw. I attribute most of this to the fact that day to day changes are not so noticeable. I do see it better when I look at before and recent pics.

I’ve been obese since my childhood. It’s difficult to see myself any other way. I do look forward to the day that I climb out of the obese category so I can see what that “ME” actually looks like.

(Tom Seest) #19

I have always felt much lighter than I actually am, and even at my heaviest, I couldn’t believe I actually weighed that much. As I’ve shrunk over the years, I’ve always been far more active than the person on the street would believe; given my weight.

Now that I’m approaching my goal weight, I feel I look heavier than I actually am, but I feel like I can do or try anything. My activity level, given time, is off the charts.

So, it can be difficult to explain.

#20

I was like that too. I would get a shock when I looked in the mirror because I was smaller in my head. I would get totally hacked off when I went to pull myself up onto something and couldn’t, go sit in a chair and not fit, try and get through a space and well… not!