Feeling lost and guilty

(Bee ) #1

I literally just created this account because of how crappy I feel, and I’m hoping to find some support…so here it goes…

I’ve been super strict keto for the last 17 months…10-15 carbs/day, working out 7 days a week. During that time, I was also going through fertility treatment. This past August was my third attempt at IVF, and my third fail. It was after the third negative pregnancy test that things began to crack. I kept up the strict keto, but slowly fell away from the gym. My workouts got shorter and lighter, and I could feel myself feeling less and less motivated for much of anything. I recently had a follow up consult with the fertility doctor, who wants me to take a 6 month break from treatment. This further depressed me, and the workouts stopped completely.

Fast forward to yesterday. It had been weeks since I worked out, I was feeling shitty about everything, and I completely fell off the rails. I binged on peanut butter, halo top (2 pints in 2 days!), pork rinds, quest bars- basically all of my keto foods, but in excess…then I got up and despite feeling so guilty about it, I did it again today. I feel terrible, guilty, and yet stupid because as bad as I feel, its not stopping me from eating more. I’ve never had a disordered relationship to food, I’ve never “binged” before, so why am I doing this now?

I just feel so…hopeless, I guess. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Hope I didn’t bring anyone else down.

#2

Hi, I’m new. This is my first post and I felt compelled to reply. I’ve had weight issues my whole life and can relate to feeling shitty and full of guilt. I just want you to know that there are many many people that feel the same way. Please dont give up on yourself. I’ve recently began kero, 6 weeks ago and have lost 16 pounds. I feel better about myself today, and am looking forward to tomorrow. Which is a huge improvement from 6 weeks ago. I just wanted to say that you need to think of yourself first!. Because you are worth it!. Take care …

(Ken) #3

Good for you. After 17 months of Keto while training, you’ve probably put your body into Starvation Mode. At least you’ve partially recompensated glycogen. Take a week’s break from Keto. You won’t readapt back into lipogenesis in so short a time, but you will boost your metabolism. Afterwards, eat some carbs on the Weekends.

Nutrition is an Adaptive Process. It swings both ways.

(Amy Ramadan) #4

First of all, I’m very sorry to hear what your going through. I truly pray things work out for you!! And that right there may very well be the answer as to why you binged for perhaps the first time ever!! The feeling of hopelessness and not knowing what to do can have you out of sorts and not knowing how to deal with it all!! Give yourself a break, we are all human and slip up from time to time!! Just get back to doing what you normally do and don’t beat yourself up for something you can’t change!! Have faith that things will start to look up!! Keep us updated as to how you are doing, and please feel free to send me a private message if you feel like you need someone to talk to!! Good luck, and chin up!!

(Jessica) #5

We didn’t make it as far into the fertility process as you have, but the little we did go through taught me that it’s one of the most emotionally grueling things a woman can go through. Treat yourself gently. You don’t need any guilt over food. Hang in there!

(Running from stupidity) #6

Good to have that binge out of your system, I guess. RESET TIME! (Difficult I know, with all that other crap going on.)

(Brandy) #7

littlebee,
Allow me to start by welcoming you to the forum. I’ve found this to be a place of encouragement, as well as a place I can gather my courage again whenever it’s fallen away from me.

And it does fall away. Like you’ve described, piece by piece- it can kind of unravel itself over time and blow away. But it’s not gone. It’s just rolled away a bit, like a stack of papers caught by the wind and ripped from your arms. You, grabbing wildly and to no benefit while they swirl and float away. That panicked feeling… Then finally running down the path to gather it all back up in a crumpled mess. Later, when you’re safely inside, the process of straightening and reorganizing can begin.

I’ve come back to your post several times since you made it- not sure what to say but wanting to say something. I guess that something is this:

I believe you’re grieving. It’s not uncommon to behave in ways that are out of control when experiencing grief. Indeed, self destructive behavior can be a hallmark of it. Some may not agree that an eating binge that only includes healthier foods can be classified as self destructive and I wouldn’t always either- but you’ve described so much more than that. You’ve described a “descent” over a period of time, feelings of guilt and an inability to change the behavior as a result. Most importantly, you’ve described the trigger- a pretty major event for you. A loss.

Let me just say- I don’t believe you’re down for the count. We are human beings! We are resilient and powerful in our ability to create! You need time- however long that is for you- to grieve, then to create peace, then to gather your courage, then to create. Just know that you’re not alone. At the very least (and I’m sure it is the least), you’ve got me- a lady on the internet who in all likelihood you’ll never meet- but who is thinking about you throughout her day and totally has your back. May today be better than yesterday and tomorrow be better than that- and so on.

(Bee ) #8

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. It means more to me than you could possibly know! As for me, I still haven’t worked out, and I’m still indulging in my keto snacks (and then feeling horribly guilty afterwards) but I told myself that by the end of this week I am getting back on the strict keto train. I did it for 17 months, I can do it again…right?

Thank you all again :heart:

(Bee ) #9

Brandy,

I read your response over and over again, the first time bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your encouragement and support. You really have a way with words, and you made this very sad girl smile for a bit. It meant so much to me, more than I can articulate. I can only hope that I may be of some support or encouragement to you one day!

Thank you again❤

B

(Brandy) #10

You’re very welcome!

Assume that you’ve already offered me and many others support and encouragement, by way of changing your whole life and sticking to it for more than a year in order to heal your body and create a family. Not to mention your willingness to come to a place like this, where success stories are coveted like gold and lay out your despair. As I age, I find that my most valuable tool is a willingness to lean into the pain in my life, rather than turn away from it. That’s what you’re doing when you seek help openly and honestly. And I think it’s commendable.

(Roberta) #11

Bee,

My heart goes out to you. We did 9 IVF cycles to get my son Ben, he is now 3. It is a grueling, soul crushing process, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Indescribable. But so worth every shot, monitoring appointment, procedure, etc when you get that baby. Hang in there it is so worth it.

Roberta

(Bee ) #12

Oh Roberta, your reply gives me so much hope. 9 IVF cycles, you’re a true warrior! I’m so beaten down after 3…if you don’t mind me asking, were there ever days where you lost faith that it would ever happen for you?

Thanks again for your reply :heart:

B

(Ellie) #13

Bee,

You binged on keto foods. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
I have never had IVF so I can’t pretend to know what you are going through but I feel it in your post.
For what it is worth, I think you need to give yourself a break. Stick with keto, but training 7 days a week is seriously hard on your body and will take its own toll and is counter productive. Maybe cut back to 3 days a week if you enjoy it, but don’t be so hard on yourself.
I can imagine that your body needs to be in good form for IVF to have a chance, but that also means resting. I have all my fingers crossed for good news in the future for you.

(Bunny) #14

Something you might try:

What You MUST Know About Getting Pregnant: Dr. Berg gives some insight into why you may have trouble getting pregnant and what you can do to improve this condition. He also goes over what best foods to take to create the perfect environment for your body to grow prenatally. Find out how there are two main lacks in a body which makes it hard to get pregnant. One is fat-soluble vitamins (vitamin A, E, D) and trace minerals (particularly zinc and iodine). GRASS FED ORGANIC MEATS

(Bee ) #15

Thank you for posting this, unfortunately (or fortunately?) I already do all of these things…including eating organ meat! Yummmy! lol

But I do appreciate you trying to help! I’m so thankful I joined this community.

Bee

(Bee ) #16

Thanks, Ellie. I think you’re right in that my body does need a break, but the problem is that I feel like I’ve given myself that break, and now I can’t seem to get back up on the horse. I’m worried that I’ll never find my way back again- especially with the workouts. I enjoy keto when I’m doing it, I do not enjoy working out. Everyday for the last 17 months was me will powering (is that even a saying?!) through. After this last failed IVF attempt, the idea of going back to the gym just seems so…terrible. I just hope I snap out of this funk soon :confused:

Thanks again for the support, it really mean a lot.

Bee

#17

You’re not the only one, Bee. Here, you’ll find a lot of people sharing success stories and read a bunch of replies cheering them on. This is good, we need to share our success, but more importantly, we’re here to support each other, whether that’s a success story or a struggle.

Thank you for sharing this with us. You were not the only one who was encouraged today. I was touched by your testimony and the thoughtful responses everyone gave.

(Roberta) #18

Hi - Thanks for your reply.

The entire process takes tremendous stamina and strength. Yes there were so many times I lost faith, but I kinda kept trudging through the process at times. We lost 7 babies along the way too, which was horrible. But it worked!!

We got this guy - he is amazing!!! I was 44 when he was born.

When the process works, which it will, it is totally worth it!

(Roberta) #19

20180511_085033
20180511_085033.jpg3264×2448 2.48 MB

(Bee ) #20

He’s absolutely precious, Roberta! I can’t believe you lost 7 babies along the way as well. What a journey you’ve been through! Thank you for sharing your story with me, you really do give me so much hope and inspiration.

Bee