CONFESSION: My fat has been my protection

(Miss E) #21

Absolutely. Also emotional detox is part of big changes like this. I wasn’t expecting that but it makes sense. hugs

(Lisa marie t) #22

It’s nice to see someone who goes thru what I’m going thru …I always felt alone n when I talked to councilors I get this look like what??
Am a survivor of sex abuse age 4 to 15
Lost hearing age 9.worst of the abus happened age 9 and my mom n I had been alone til age 9 n she met my stepdad
I started dealing with depression age 10 or so…I’m 49 now
Went thru h.'s with same friends no bf.wasn’t cool so I ate.
God so many things I could write…lol but long story short by a million years…I wanted a bf…never had one met my now ex hub.my first love.had a son.
I decided I’m not going to love.I’m not capable of love 4 yrs of fwb.no feelings.disconnected so I ate.emotional eater.
I didn’t want any attention. I pushed everyone away.except a few close girls I trust.I got fatter.I shut down
My friend did keto she’s doing awesome.I had her explain everything to me.I’m doing this…it’s been a month and half for me.I’m doing it for me .to be there more for my son n mom .I’m not doing it in hopes to find a bf …I’m excited.yes I still panic. …I take aniexty pills on bad days.
You can do this…seriously just one day at a time n u can do this

#23

I don’t think there are many people who end up extremely fat that have not had some sort of dysfunction in their past. Not only what would be considered abuse, but also neglect, alcoholic parents, workaholic parents, bad teachers and preachers sending harmful messages that we are bad or shameful, ‘at fault’, and so forth. It’s unfortunately a long list. And none of it is true! We unfortunately think it is.

While eating lots of carbs is definitely part of the equation, it’s not all of it. It’s not only what we ate, but why we needed comfort and distraction, and ate too much. And understanding the reasons behind it is part of the entire recovery package, not just ditching the carbs and losing the weight.

I’ve worked on my own story over the years and have arrived at a satisfactory self - sometimes called an authentic self. With respect to weight, I’ve certainly used it as a protective coat of flesh to avoid most attention. I prefer to remain invisible and being overweight certainly accomplishes that. In the past, whenever I’ve lost noticeable weight and start getting compliments, I don’t like it and often start to eat again. It’s happened more than once.

I’m hoping this time, because I am old (73), that my age will keep me invisible. Also, I’m no longer the person I was years ago, in a good way, so I hope I’ll be able to handle it better. We shall see.

(Sophie) #24

My fat was a cloak of invisibility. I never felt more ignored and treated as a worthless being than when I was morbidly obese.

(Marilee) #25

I hate that attention, too. I especially detest the look up and down, with “Wow, have you lost weight?” So my response is now, “Nope. I got taller.” Shuts them up every time.

(Jan) #26

I know what you mean! Frankly, it’s such a relief to be older, where every encounter with a male is not a judgement on how sexy or un-sexy you are! I’m now just a person.

(Laura ) #27

I am so glad you brought this up. For years I have felt the same way you do. dating gives me such uncontrollable anxiety. I went into this for ME. I want to look and feel a certain way. I find that resting bitch face helps keep the boys away:) If you ever need someone to bounce things off of, I am here! Its hard to face our fears and open ourselves to new possibilities. You got this!

(Dustin Sherrill) #28

I am a male but this struck a chord with me also just the same.

Social anxiety. check.
Over 40. check.
200 to 280 lbs yo yo. check.
7 years since my last relationship. check.

I’ll come back and check everyone’s responses. Thanks for sharing Vanessa.

(Tracy Shackleton) #29

You described my life perfectly! I completely relate to your journey. I’m 61 yrs old so I’ve been using this “protection strategy” quite a bit longer. The trick is in learning to like yourself–being authentic and honest with yourself and developing discernment. Hold the intention that your sovereignty and clarity are enhanced as your body and health improves. No more fear sister!

(Stephanie Sablich) #30

Hugs to you for starting down this difficult journey :slight_smile: Remember that we’re here to support you!

(Lisa marie t) #31

I’m 49.
Struggle with depression more than aniexty.
Was married 6 yes together 8.separated 9 yrs.
1 child 15 best thing I ever did in my life.
I’m fatter than u…yo yo also.
I think it’s harder for men to open up sometimes than women though. I see a therapist.I’ve seen councilors shrinks …I refuse to use alcohol drugs or smoking or food to deal with me .
I’m pretty content most times being with my son …mom n my furbabies

#32

I totally get this. I’m single, coming up 40 this year. My issue is I’d love a partner but am totally paralysed with fear whenever I am with anyone I’m attracted. I think some bad experiences with rejection and ghosting in the past have played a massive part and my weight has always given me an excuse not to have to deal with male attention. In every other situation in life I’m confident and can talk to anyone. I’m only just now starting to like how I look - I think I’ve just always believed I am unattractive. I’m working on my mindset everyday and am a big believer in positive thinking and retraining neural pathways. So good to hear I’m not the only one with these thoughts.

(Renee) #33

This is something I’ve thought about too. Being fat is a protection for unwanted attention. I thought about that while I was traveling - no one will attack me (sexually) I’m fat (of course I know bad things happen to everyone, but it was a small comfort while traveling abroad). I’ve been over 200lbs for around 10 years. Started keto in February. I hate catcalls, I hate men coming on to me when I don’t want their attention. I don’t know what the answer is to avoid unwanted sexual attention, but I do know our health is more important than holding on to our fat shields!

Good luck Vanessa, and all the rest of us too!

(Rob) #34

If the last 6 months has taught us anything, I don’t think the solution is on your side of the fence :flushed:

To see so many similar comments just in this thread makes me embarrassed for my gender.

(Karen) #35

Thoughtful response, Rob. Thanks for reading through.

K

(Ellen) #36

Sending you hugs! Yes, my fat shield was firmly in place for many years, I’ve been through a lot of therapy and it definitly helped but I still don’t like the looks I’m occasionally getting now, thankfully 2 of my closest friends are blokes, so they also help me realise not all men are bastards, in fact most are good. Just try to remember, we’re on this WOE for ourselves no one else. Stay strong and know that we’re all here for you.

(Ellen) #37

Sad but true, hopefully one day that won’t be the case.

(Dustin Sherrill) #39

I have had my bouts of depression too. Saw a counselor for a short period during/after my divorce. I don’t smoke or drink either. I shouldn’t let food be an emotional crutch either but I have in the past. My kids have also been my best part of my life and they stayed with me after the divorce. I was always the more maternal parent. My oldest daughter is 22 and is now married living in El Paso, TX. My youngest is a Senior in high school and will soon be off to college. I do worry about how I will handle the empty nest.

(Lisa marie t) #40

I actually thought of going for art therapist course.because every shrink or councilor or S.W I’ve seen don’t seem to get what I feel.drives me nuts.lol
I figure with my history n what books claim to know how to help ppl I might be able to fix myself.
Im not divorced .honestly don’t care if I do or don’t. No intentions of ever being with ex I guess kinda gives me reason to say oh I’m not gonna marry again so why waste money

(Dustin Sherrill) #41

I like the art therapy idea. I am fine as long as I am doing things. It is the idle mind that dwells on the past.