CONFESSION: My fat has been my protection

(Vanessa) #1

Hi. I’m new to Keto and this is my first ever topic post.

I’m 40 and have been a yo-yo dieter since high school. I used food as a way to make myself feel better in a broken home and I survived abuse during that time that I hid from my parents out of shame so lots of eating from that too.

Throughout my 20s and 30s my weight would range between 200 to 280 lbs. I’m 5’2 BTW.

I would lose weight and started to get attention from men. It would trigger anxiety and I’d run to eat to protect myself. The rise on the scale would follow soon after.

I’m so afraid that I’m going to fall back into that pattern.

Tomorrow (3/29/18) will be my second week eating Keto. I’m already seeing the progress and so are the colleagues at work. I’m receiving compliments from the female coworkers and broader smiles from the men.

I have a lot of work to do to overcome my fear of intimacy. It’s been almost 7 years since I’ve been in a relationship.

Has anyone out there had a battle like this where your fat was your thick, protective layer against all things?

(Liz ) #2

Hugs for all that trauma. So glad you found Keto. But yeah, I definitely hid in my size. The only thing that makes it a bit better now is being older, I’m 48 with graying hair which makes me a little more invisible even though I lost the shield of the weight. But I have noticed I get a few looks from men about 10 years older or more so I’m not invisible anymore & it’s kind of a bummer. I’m married so my situation is different but I feel for you. I hope you can find ways of coping so you can get the physical health results you want without suffering in other ways.

(Vanessa) #3

Thank you. :hugs:

My company offers EAP benefits so I’m going to use them; I think I’m going to seek therapy.

(Liz ) #4

That’s a good idea. I always used to try to find therapists who were or had been overweight because a thin one I went to once was clueless! Ugh.

BTW As I lost weight this past year it released a lot of stored estrogen, I believe, & gave me some screwy emotions so be aware of that potential as well. I take a lot of milk thistle for liver support & that also helped my sense of well being.

(Jan) #5

@nessachez, I come from a similar background. It took me way too long to get counseling. I wish I’d talked to someone sooner! I spent too much of my life trying to prove how tough I was. I wasn’t! Learning to trust takes time. Especially learning to trust yourself, your instincts. Keto is a great way to take care of yourself. So is therapy. Good for you!

#6

So similar. I lost weight a couple of times before and I hate the attention. Not for any reason, simply because it makes me feel vulnerable. When I was a teenager I could not walk down the street without getting comments and it has stayed with me. Plus I was a skinny kid and this made me feel weak. I have more than made up for that in weight and I genuinely believe my weight is not emotional but there are elements. I try to picture myself like a healthy ninja, I mean have you ever seen an overweight ninja? Yet even if they are 100 lbs no one will mess with them

I pushed my older daughter to take karate when she was little so that she would feel strong when she was walking down the street. For a long time her brothers were afraid of her! However it did not stick and although she is far braver than I am in many ways, not in all ways.

I am older than you but I am not sure how old I look. I used to look about 10 years younger than my age but I am not sure if losing weight has aged me. The funny part is I have two best friends, one has been heavy her entire life, got married at 22 and has been very happy with him and has a great personality but is invisible in other ways. The other one is a size 4 or 6 and is also happily married but loves attention! I went to a restaurant with her a few years ago and watched the 25 year olds checking her out. She loves to dress provocatively and I personally do not understand it but it works

(Omar) #7

Welcome

Glad you are on the right track.

Fast weight loss in the beginning is expected.

It always amaze me when I hear people say that they eat more when they are stressed.

For me I can not even look at the food when stressed.

I wish you the best.

(Erin Mellas) #8

Right there with you. I feel like I have healed myself but that is one area I have issues getting past. When others (even women) comment about how good I look I retreat and can’t handle it. I am getting better. I have a loving supportive husband and just need to allow this to happen. Every day is a new day and I try to just take it one step at a time. I wish I had better advice, but maybe knowing you are not alone will help. :raised_hands:t2::heart:

(Miss E) #9

Definitely relate to this. I put weight on after a heartbreak and I feel more comfortable dressing sexily when I’m bigger but when I start to lose weight suddenly I feel insecure and vulnerable like everyone is watching and judging. All of a sudden no ones intentions seem genuine. As women sometimes I think we feel safer being taunted than we do getting that sort of attention.

(Karen) #10

Self image is a tricky thing. Many women are not comfortable and feel threatened by male attention.

I always felt most comfortable with nerds, and geeks. I admire intelligence and integrity. Not at all comfortable with guys that are seriously good looking or built.

Friends first, plenty of time for intimacy, once you know their strength of character. That is true whether or not you have a large frame or are skinny. Beauty , kindness, loyalty, is not a number on the scale.

K

(Vanessa) #11

Thank you so much :hugs:

(I came for the weight loss and stayed for my sanity... ) #12

Kudos for your post and being so open about that. I know how you feel! I was on that point to. I got obese at primary school for being bullied for being a foreigner, then I was bullied for being fat because I ate for comfort. All that sugar made my brain slow so I was also bullied for being dumb, by parents students and teachers alike.
But I have come around…
That WOE has helped me so much by clearing my mind. It made self reflection possible, which for me is the base for change.
It has helped me fix some vitamin deficiencies which reduced a lot of my cravings.
It has fixed a lot of my hormones by making my mood more stable.
But my biggest learning was: If I had a coworker, sister, friend that was just like me, would I judge and be mean to them? No right? So why on earth should I judge and be mean to myself?
And also: I will be myself from the second I meet someone new. Sure some won’t like me, but I see that as an idiot filter, If they stay it cool, if they don’t they are not the kind of people I want to keep around anyway…

Sorry for the rambling hope that helps in some way. All the best and love from Switzerland :kissing_heart::hugs:
Keep calm and keto on! Things get easier on this WOE

(Chris W) #13

I would like say that I admire your candor, as someone who is recently recovering from a 22 year relationship failure, I really have issues trusting anyone let alone strangers with things like this. But I am a guy an we don’t like to talk about feelings much anyway.

I can speak from a male perspective or at least in my case it means far more to me that someone is trying than the actual results to improve their life. I also can speak to the depression/anxiety because of said relationship issue that this WOE has vastly improved for me so I would say to you keep calm and keto on you are bound to hit some hurtles, but ask questions and seek knowledge and don’t give up I think the results in a few more weeks will be great for you.

(Miss E) #14

Unfortunately nerdy men can also make women feel uncomfortable or intimidated. Not usually intentionally but still happens.

(CJ Young) #15

I also used my weight like armor much of the time. I’ve never tried “dieting” for the sake of weight loss. Even now I’m only doing Keto for health reasons. The weight loss is essentially a side effect for me and although I’ve only just started loosing weight this is something I’ve thought about.

I hate the way men talk to the women around me. It has always made me angry and put off. As a gay woman I have always been able to get away ignoring men and being heavy they for the most part do the same in kind. I’m worried about men engaging with me more often when I start looking different. They used to do this when I was younger and back then I hated it. I’d rather be invisible, It’s honestly from where I’m standing safer.

Therapy helps with this sort of thing of course and as you said above it’s probably a good idea. For myself I don’t need to engage with men romantically for any personal fulfillment so I can get away with just totally ignoring most guys.

I hope you find a good balance and maybe some places where you can talk to men where you don’t feel threatened. Maybe there are some men in your life you can build up stronger friendships with just as practice? My male friends definitely help me in that regard as well. The boyfriends and husbands of my female friends have always been a resource for me to feel less anxiety around men by building healthy relationships where both sides understand that it will only ever be platonic.

(Jay AM) #16

I’ve always been a little heavier once I got into about sixth grade and, as an adult, I’m extremely heavy. But, I’m the funny fat girl. Being heavy is at the core of my current identity. And, I’ve noticed that male attention will come no matter where you are physically at. For me, when I get male attention, it makes me feel so much more disgusted and disgusting because, I feel I know what I look like. And, to get that sort of attention when I don’t even give myself that kind of attention makes me feel gross.

(*Rusty* Instagram: @Rustyk61) #17

This is absolutely one of the best newbie threads I’ve seen in a long time!

Kudos on seeking help. Some of us don’t have that option. But I will say, this forum has helped me so much and I gain strength from its members.

(Ann Pitts) #18

Yes
I felt the same way
But it was my thighs i figured the bigger they were th harder it was for a man to get between them i too suffered abuses and was an emotional eater and sugar junky. I decide i was goin to do keto i researched it while cuttin carbs sweets fast meat process foods dont eat after 7 and IF everyday for 94 days. I dont cave any more and i developed a different relationship with food. What i loved was killing me. Im down 44 pounds in ketosis went from eating out 4 days a wk to cookin delicious meatless meals. Keto is my way of life now. So dont allow the past to hender your future. Get some therapy work out those issues. 32 yrs of practicing the word of God and 11 yrs od therapy got me here today. So stay encouraged. God love you now love urself enough to chg for the better

(Stephanie Sablich) #19

You are so strong and so brave, and I am honored that you have shared this with us.

I’m a social worker and currently researching trauma and resilience, so you can take what I say with a grain of salt… I’m pretty biased :slight_smile:

You’re not alone; there are amazingly reliable correlations between trauma and negative health outcomes, including obesity. We’re learning all kinds of new things about how the brain and body responds to trauma, and your insight into your own situation and coping methods is impressive. This stuff isn’t easy, and the fact that you recognize these patterns is rather remarkable and rare, honestly.

You are on EXACTLY the right track when it comes to seeking therapy, in my opinion. Again, we are learning a lot about trauma treatment, and there is so much hope out there for current survivors.

I am a survivor of sexual assault myself, and have struggled a lot with my weight and health- both before and after. Trauma and adversity messes with our self esteem in a really sad way, so much so that our protective mechanisms get strong, whether or not they are healthy for us. They serve an important function- they literally allow us to survive- but at some point, it is exhausting to hide behind that wall, isn’t it? A good therapist can help you to take down that wall brick by brick, in a way that feels safe and secure for you.

Trust yourself, friend. You are incredible, and I’m so encouraged by this post.

(Vanessa) #20

Thank you! I’ve been through counseling before in my 20s and early 30s for the issues from my youth. Now, as I see that this WOE is going to be a life long change and that I can count on it to heal my body, I’m also learning that there’s mental blocks that also will require healing.