Hey y’all, I’ve been part of this community a while back before under more or less the same username but it’s been ages since I’ve been here and I’ve deleted my previous account. And here’s the update on what happened since then. (Apologies in advance for the swears.)
Background information for those who don’t know me, I’m epileptic and was overweight all my life. I joined keto hoping to lose weight and with the addition it helps with my epilepsy as a small bonus as my meds controlled seizures anyway. I ended one of my last posts hoping to be weaned off meds after a positive looking EEG.
Ok so this might be a long post. I guess I’ll start pre covid when the pandemic was starting to become a big thing. I was doing GCSE and with exams cancelled, I kinda just stayed home and chilled mostly and talked to friends. However with the food panic buying, my mum decided it would probably be best if I stopped keto till the pandemic moved on since we had mostly carb filled non-perishable foods rather than keto stuff. I agreed and didn’t think much of it. Fast forward a couple of months and I had my final appointment with my brain doc and was given the go to stop meds. I weaned off and was super excited but whilst off keto and being sedentary, I managed to gain a bit from my lowest weight of 78kg and got around to 85kg and stayed there for a while. I was fine for months and then started school. As a very enthusiastic almost 17 year old, I applied for my provisional license and was so so excited to start lessons and finally achieve my dream of driving (a dream I had since I was 10, I had big plans to get a car as soon as I became 18).
I think my heavy emphasis on driving is setting the scene on what happened next. 2 days after I applied for my provisional, I had a seizure in the middle of psychology class. Memory of the day was very hazy but one thing I remember was waking up and sitting on a desk with 2 paramedics, my teacher, my mum and the school nurse surrounding me and the only emotion I felt was anger. The first thing I said when my mouth started working was “I guess driving isn’t an option for me”. And then I proceeded to vomit into a bag for the third time that day (there really is nothing pretty about epilepsy lol). That was in September 2020. I went home really ■■■■ing pissed and also hopeless. My mental state was already extremely iffy but it just went downhill from there. I was put back on the same meds and the constant fatigue returned which is a common side effect anyway but I was met with a new hopelessness. I stopped putting effort in work, I went from a straight A student to barely passing, I didn’t give a ■■■■ about my future tbh because my brain decided that I just wouldn’t make it to 17. Psychology classes in particular were difficult because sitting in the same place my brain decided to give up on me was unnerving and my brain associated the room with very bad vibes. I coped with the only way I knew how to cope. Humour. I made an entire presentation on epilepsy that I presented to class and it involved so many dark jokes on my condition and I got a good amount of laughs as well. I guess one of the rare positives of having a seizure mid class was that I became fearless, my brain developed a “everybody already saw me at my most vulnerable anyway, I don’t really give a ■■■■ about how they see me anymore.” And with that mentality, I just made more open jokes and got out of my shell and actually made some friends who I value and who make school a much better place for me.
But my mental state went to ■■■■■ I could use humour as much as I could but I couldn’t change the fact that as soon as I came home, I was exhausted and miserable. I was angry at myself and part of me told myself that I shouldn’t have agreed to be weaned off meds. I told myself I should’ve stayed on keto and maybe I would be ok and normal. I was angry at myself for not being able to maintain grades, for not being able to text back friends and for avoiding life, my relationship with my family also went to ■■■■■ Arguments became a daily occurrence and I was just in general a pain in the ass. I turned to self harm and I still struggle with trying to get out of that to this day. Suicidal thoughts became a constant for me and still are. I overdosed on meds for my epilepsy many times just to get that extremely numb feeling and was pretty ■■■■■ Arguments with my mum led to an outburst from me once where I kinda revealed how ■■■■■■ I felt to my oblivious mum and she lent an ear but I pushed her away anyway. I reached my 17th birthday against all odds and then new year came and my resolution was to go back to keto. I wanted to get my ■■■■ together and I was motivated to move on with life no matter how ■■■■■■ it was. We went back into lockdown and I fell behind in online work and felt even ■■■■■■■■ but was determined to fix it. End January I made myself a plan to fix up. Beginning February and I had a seizure again. This time on my desk in the middle of a maths lesson. The timer for a driving license reset. I have to be legally seizure free for a year before being able to drive. So I was set back even more and wallowed in self pity and misery for a while after that. Post February, I just missed all my online lessons and let myself fall even more behind. At that point I think I reached full hopeless, I also stopped keto again and fell back to comfort eating.
Life goes on though, I feel like I’m constantly behind now though, I’m academically so behind, every single friend of mine got something related to learning to drive for their birthday and it just constantly pained me to know that I may well be the one person who won’t be able to get that. I signed myself up for therapy which would be over the phone and had my first session of CBT last week. I’m still severely behind in work but I’m trying to fix that before exam season. Yet I think back to my proper keto days and realise that not only did I feel better physically, but mentally I was at a peak too. I know it’s unrealistic to compare myself to my past self because ■■■■ changes. Life ■■■■■ you up. I’m not the same person I was back then. But I can’t control things happening to me, I can control the way I react to them. I mostly avoided thinking about driving but now I’m putting more thought into it. I guess my biggest values in life always was independence and living free and epilepsy robbed that of me. I’m not going to give up though. I didn’t give up before and I’m still here now. I have a dream and that dream is to be able to own and ride a motorbike freely. To do that, I need to be able to stay seizure free for a year. I can’t control ■■■■ but I need all the odds in my favour meaning I want to start full keto again. And stick with it. This isn’t to lose weight, this is to regain control. So I’m here again. Mentally way more ■■■■■■ but I’m here and I suppose that’s all that counts. I’m gonna do my driving theory test regardless of whether I’ll be able to drive or not before summer and then hope to everything I stay seizure free for my year. At February I can take motorcycle lessons and driving lessons (I want motorbike lessons more). I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t control my future. But I can control what I do now. And for now and forever, I want to stick to keto.
So here I am. Once again back here, slightly older and slightly different. I want to heal and I want to grow to be my best self. I want to at least try. Who knows, maybe my future will hold the same restrictions or maybe it won’t. Who am I to know if I won’t try. This community was always so supportive and amazing back when I was here and I never truly forgotten that kindness and sense of belonging. Anyway thank you if you reached this far and I look forward to posting more here. And