I’m wondering how others handle not having support at home with this WOE. I wont go so far as to say my fiance is actively sabotaging my progress. However, he continually tells me I’m eating too much fat and “his doctor said XXXX about a ketogenic diet”. He watched me loose 30 lbs and gain so much confidence in the last 4 months; so I really cannot understand why he keeps saying these things to me. He will make me an omlet for dinner (when he’s eating pasta), or pickup unsweetened iced tea when he stops at the drive through on the way home. But when I’m excited to show him my collar bones showing (I’m so excited to see them again, not in a gross way) his comment is… Yeah… and only one and a half chins. Like really… come on. My mother was the same way; she came to visit for Christmas and I was all twirly for her and her comment is… you ALMOST have a waist again. Just ugh, why… why make a comment at all. GD people. I fell off the wagon during Christmas; I’m back on the wagon. But I lost a little of my gung ho; and the two most important people in my life don’t seem very supportive. I’ve stopped telling both of them about my WOE about going low carb and all the things helpful things I’ve been learning. I’m just wondering if anyone has any experience with non-supportive family and how you keep to your WOE. I"m trying very hard to Keep Calm and Keto On… but some days are harder than others.
No Family Support and back-handed compliments
Not sure about your mum…but your fiance is likely insecure. You’re improving yourself from the inside out. As it begins to show more and more he probably fears increasing competition.
That sounds rough Danielle. You’re working hard on doing great things for yourself and it sounds like you’re just getting negativism from the important people in your life. Rest assured that you’re not the only one who has that kind of trouble. You can always come here to the forums for support.
No one here is any more qualified to give relationship advice than they are to give medical advice (actually, there probably are people here qualified to give relationship advice, although I’m not one). All I can suggest is having a “serious” talk with your fiance, telling him that this is something that’s important to you, and that it hurts you when he doesn’t support you. If that doesn’t work, you may have to accept that you need to develop the confidence in yourself to continue to make the improvements in your life that you want.
Mothers, I can’t help with. They can be pretty hopeless.
People respond in weird ways because they are focused on themselves and not you. They wonder if your success means their beliefs or approaches are wrong, sometimes they feel that their ideas are being criticized, and they wonder if your changes are going to extend to the relationship they have with you.
So here’s a secret from an old married lady: You need to TELL people what you want and need from them, they can’t read your mind. And the character of your relationship is shaped by their response. With moms, it’s unlikely that lifelong patterns will be changed. Hypercritical moms will always be hypercritical, but by telling her what you need and want, you throw the ball back in her court to at least understand why you aren’t thrilled with her response. Don’t expect her to change though.
With your fiancé, it’s a little different. You are contemplating spending the rest of your life with him. If he is threatened by your success or unwilling to give you the support you need, think long and hard about whether this relationship is going to be viable in the long term. On the other hand, don’t expect perfection. My husband and I have agreed to disagree on some matters (like how much fat I choose to eat) but we do it in a respectful way. And he’s not one to think up things on his own, but when I ask him for something (like a compliment, or to notice something) he DOES it. He has had success with somewhat different dietary approach but he never ceases to be supportive of me and my efforts (and I of him–it’s a 2-way street!).
Think of this as a great opportunity to set the foundation for your future together by communicating what you need in the relationship.
I wonder if they think they are being complementary about progress so far but still wanting to encourage to keep going. It may be a really inappropriate way of doing that but I can kinda see making that argument. Especially about your moms comment. “You almost have a waist again”, could be argued that she sees your progress and you’re almost there so keep going. Poor wording perhaps but I could see that being her thought process.
I don’t know how your relationship is with your fiancé but I know lots of people that poke a little fun in that way without actually meaning anything to be an actual insult. I’m not a fan of that kind of thing myself. I always have thoughts in the back of my mind that there is some truth in their words but I know people that truly don’t mean the things as negative or insulting. I don’t know if he’s kinda like that??? Like he said “yeah” to agree with your progress but felt the need to make a joke in there too. I don’t know. I am so not a fan of that kind of joking. At least not at the totally wrong times and about things that we are actually sensitive about.
My husband is probably sure I’m gonna keel over from a heart attack any day now but I’ve been at this for almost 2 years now and weight less than he’s ever known me to weigh. The day I finally got him to stop buying margarine because he didn’t want that “fattening butter” on his food was a huge victory! Only recently did I get him to stop buying 2% milk for our son! My husband understands that too many carbs aren’t good and cause weight gain but he thinks simply not eating bread and pasta most of the time is good enough. He also hasn’t lost more than 5 pounds in the last 2 years. He’s maintaining about 25 pounds overweight just fine though. 
Anyway, I’m really sorry you’re not feeling supported. You’ve done really well and it does feel good to have it recognized. I can only say that maybe gently approaching a conversation about it would be helpful. Just ask for no snarky comments if asking for recognition is too much right now. Keep leading by example and I’ll bet your mom will be asking for help with what to eat soon enough. 
I was reading something to day that you might find useful re your fiancé. It is from a book called One Small Step can Change Your Life - The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer.
Every time I see someone at the end of a relationship, I ask, “Did you have early warning signs of a problem…”. Almost every time, these people admit that, yes, they had seen evidence of this flaw…
He talks about spotting potential problems early on and dealing with them when they are small rather than letting them get so big they become near impossible to resolve. I am not saying that what your fiancé has been saying is a small or insignificant thing to you because it isn’t. Now is the time to address it though. If he is made aware of how saying things like that make you feel, he will hopefully make an effort to change. He should be the one person you can always rely on to love you and make you feel good.
As to your mum… I am currently dealing with my mummy issues in therapy so… Lol.
Find people who do make you feel good about yourself. I have recently started Skypeing and old friend once a week and we have a really good catch up and listen to each other’s woes. She is my biggest fan and I am hers. You need people like this in your life.
Good luck. We think you are great.
I can relate, there are always people who look at me like I’m nuts when I talk about keto, but it’s the people closest to me who matter. My husband went keto to support me when I was diagnosed with cancer. My mother-in-law, throughout my treatment just kept telling us to eat carbs because we were stressed and need “comfort food”. Oy. I just accept she’s a product of her times.
From my point of view, I think you really need to sit both of them down and ask them WHY they are responding this way. Challenge your fiancé to read an article or two about keto.
In my eyes, this WOE is just as if not more important than a relationship. It keeps you healthy, happy, and confident! If the peoooe in your life can’t accept that, especially a fiancé, perhaps his presence in your life needs re evaluated
Of course, we don’t get to hear of all of the good he may he to you, but that’s just my two cents
Time to start surrounding yourself with positive people , if this the way your treated now what do you expect when your married
Thanks for the encouragement. I think mom is a lost cause… She’s always been this way. I’ll keto on!
I want so badly to be able to offer helpful advice. I don’t know these people, and I feel like giving you my opinion would be just that. Mine.
But I’ll stand with you in solidarity acknowledging that this is frustrating.
Push on, keto on, and keep working towards your goals. <3
It’s the dark side of weight loss.
*im a bit long winded on this topic, it’s also early and I cannot post too much but this is a simplified response *
We can get science and studies for the health reasons and the physical side. Then there’s the emotional side.
As people lose weight they often feel happy and excited for the changes that are happening. For the most part.
I’ve seen so many posts about family members purposely doing things to sabotage and just as many about just being generally unsupportive.
Why?
Many times it’s the genuine concern. The loved one is suddenly losing weight and changing right before their eyes! To them they know you are eating differently from the average diet and to them it’s scary because it’s not recommended! To them it can’t be healthy! These types can often be consoled with science. Show them the health benefits and possibly they will feel better about it.
Then there’s the loved ones who will feel threatened by your sudden changes. Yup. You are consciously making changes to be healthy. You look and feel better. Your attitude changes too! Something inside them worries that you won’t accept their choices and look elsewhere. Or they just might not be at the same point where they are ready for a change for themselves and if you are preaching to a deaf choir it may cause them to act against it…
My recommendation is to look at both sides and determine where they sit. Also to decide as to where you are too.
sometimes you don’t realize that you are pushing as well.
This is your fiance saying this things? I’m just, speechless. I mean I get the SAD low fat brain washing, but the comment about your chin is just out of line.
I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve. For some reason the snarky one and a half chin comment from your fiance REALLY bothers me because it seems to signal something deeper than not simply supporting your keto lifestyle. Maybe you two have that kind of relationship and comments like that are intended and taken lightly and jokingly. I was with a guy for years who didn’t respect me - this was almost 20 years ago - and some of the intentionally mean things he said to me still stick with me. So … don’t let anyone dim your light.
First of all, congrats on the 30 pounds. That is AMAZING!!! You are awesome and an inspiration to anyone starting out with that kind of progress!
It’s sad you aren’t getting he support you need and deserve. It seems this kind of behavior usually stems from jealousy. With the fiance… have you tried showing him any of the scientific backing of a high-fat diet? There are lots of great resources in the science category here! Maybe he really is just concerned for your health? Though the chin comment was awful. For your mom… that just sounds like flat out jealousy. Just try and ignore it and keep doing you and showing her how great you feel and look.
Do it for yourself - everything else will fall in line. Not everyone is going to embrace the Keto Way, and if they don’t get it, they won’t support you. Usually, these things reflect the person making the comment not you.
You are changing. You are becoming healthier, and probably more independent. You probably enjoy things you didn’t before. As your perspective on live changes, you are automatically dealing with it - but you’ve made the change. As your perspective changes, they are forced to deal with it, but you are indirectly forcing them to accept the change in you. For some, this is easy, for others, there is fear, jealousy and sometimes even anger and resentment.
I wish everyone could just be happy for and when a loved one or friend, or even an acquaintance achieves a goal, but that’s a rarity in real life.
Bottom line, do it for you. Celebrate your achievements. Don’t let anyone rob you of your turn to shine.
I have a family member who was downright rude and distant when I lost a significant amount of weight years ago. When I gained it back we suddenly had a relationship again. I understand that this is her issue because it brings up her own insecurities. I feel the same regarding your fiancé. He will need to accept your health goals and check his own insecurities and biases at the door. Significant others who do not fully accept the changes they see may try to sabotage or show other ways of being unsupportive. Since he’s a significant part of your life, this is something you will need to discuss with him at some point (or at many points, until he gets it).
Thank you all for your support. I’m sure he’s incecure and probably jealous. I am trying to get back on track and find myself. I’m doing this for me and to get healthy. I’ve seen the science and I know what makes me feel good.
30 years ago when I was first married I put on 50 pounds. I worked really hard to lose it the next year and was at my all time low weight of 150 and I looked and felt great. I mentioned this to a college classmate as we were eating lunch.
(A casual acquaintance -not a mom or fiancé!)
Her immediate response was “how much more do you have to lose?” No compliment, but certainly I don’t think she meant to be rude. But I felt so devastated. I learned that what someone else thinks is not important! If I’m happy, people will be happy for me and with me. If they aren’t, well…there are other folks to eat lunch with!
So, I understand how the comments made from two very important people in your life can be so devastating and hurtful. I am incredibly well supported by my husband, (yep same guy from over 30 years ago). And friends and family may not understand keto and why fat is okay, but they support me and are encouraging for the most part.
I’m just so grateful for all the wonderful support and wisdom your comment inspired Danielle! All the members above pretty much all said everything else I wanted to say to you:
- Excellent job with your weight loss and for recognizing that these nasty comments say a lot more about the speaker than they do about you!
- People who are unsuccessful, unhappy and negative get jealous, insecure and snarky when someone else is happy, successful and has a positive attitude. Again, that’s them, not YOU!
- You sail this ship alone. Think about it. It’s your life, your ship, you are the captain! There are crew members and passengers that help us through life or who are just along for the ride, but ultimately you are the one person who really matters. Your opinion of you matters more than anyone else’s!
Keep up the good work. And to the fellow crew members above who contributed great advice and wisdom: keep up the good work and help in keeping the passengers in line!