Ketoing with a non-keto spouse

(Linda M Au) #1

Big question. Three weeks in for keto. Getting great results already. Am totally committed.

However, hubby (for whom I cook) is not doing keto. He never pays attention to his own eating. He’d rather take a pill to solve a medical problem than do the work to fix it on his own. So he’s on meds for BP, cholesterol, etc. He’s grossly overweight and gets some exercise at work but hates it (due to his size—though he doesn’t really make the connection himself).

His eating here at home is usually lower in carbs now: an omelette I make him for breakfast; a lunch I pack that is typically a big salad (greens, diced ham, shredded cheddar, bacon bits, 3-4 cherry tomatoes, plus dressing). And now I’m trying to cook ultra-low-carb dinners. So far, so good, right? He’s getting keto without even knowing it. Right?

Nope. He not only snacks on other stuff while he’s here (weekends, etc.), but he tends to run errands after leaving work at 3:30… and the first one is often the McDonald’s or Wendy’s drive-thru. Carb-city. This is almost every day.

SO… my question is this: If I’m serving him more keto-type meals three times a day, but he’s sabotaging that by adding carbs at other times of day, am I doing him a disservice or harming him if the meals I feed him might have more fat?

I can still make his breakfasts and lunches lower fat quite easily, and I can even just be a little careful about fats at dinner if that is what I should be doing.

Once I start losing more weight (I’m down about 10 lbs. in this first 3 weeks), he might WANT to join me in this journey, but I’m going to assume he won’t for now.

Thanks for any advice.

(Sarah ) #2

It’s tough because he’s already eating like crap, regardless of how you eat or what you cook (you could cook the t r aditional moderate carb, CICO, low f at diet and he’d still go to McDonald’s right?) You really have no control over his eating. I’d look at this as you cooking for you, he can eat what you eat if he wants to, and if he wants to share your food, that’s ok because you choose to share. But you’re doing this as a choice, and hes doing th I s as a choice.

(KCKO, KCFO 🥥) #3

Agreed. My husband is T2D, but wants to control it through diet and exercise. He is very slowly coming around to understanding the very low carb idea. We both did Zone diet from time to time when we wanted to lose and he thinks that is a fine way to eat, because he can have potatoes, rice, pasta from time to time. He still eats buns on his burgers too. But he is better than he was he hasn’t gone below 6. on his A1c tests, and his dr. is just fine with that but I am not.

I can only be a good example and hope he continues to modify how he eats. I refuse to be a nagger, I do tell him I want him healthy and with me for many years to come. I know if I nag too much he will just dig in his heels.

Don’t expect any big leaps of compliance from your husband. And if he is ok with meds, I just hope he is socking away a fortune for the coming medical costs. Someone recently posted the insulin costs from pre keto @$16,000 and post keto >$2000, that is pretty huge. Maybe try and appeal to his pocketbook?

(Renee Slaughter) #4

My husband is grossly overweight with heart problems. He isn’t ready to change yet. He sees the changes in me, increased energy, fewer aches and pains and weight loss. But he just won’t commit. So he eats what I cook which is keto foods. I don’t nag but I do send videos when he’s ready he’ll come around. Hoping

(A ham loving ham! - VA6KD) #5

Be careful if he’s combining your high fat keto with his high carb/sugar…

(Renee Slaughter) #6

Thanks will modify his food

(Linda M Au) #7

Hubby’s issues are weight, cholesterol, and BP. But his blood glucose is ridiculously low and normal no matter what he does. I realize that’s not a guarantee he’ll always be that fortunate, but for now, diabetes isn’t a danger.

Just about everything else is, though, if you ask me!

(Linda M Au) #8

That was the essence of my question. How should I modify what I feed him, knowing he’s adding too many carbs when he’s eating away from home? I currently make his omelettes with Pam instead of butter (eggs, onions, peppers, cheddar, diced ham, some bacon bits). The salads at lunch are low carb but not high fat (considering!).

So, for dinner, maybe I should do low-carb but not necessarily high fat (at least, not for him)??

(A ham loving ham! - VA6KD) #9

I think the general consensus here is that high fat combined with high carbs is a recipe for disaster. Carbs will always push fats aside when it comes to energy use and then the fats are forced to be stored instead of burned. The thing about keto for weight loss is being in an energy deficit while not being hungry with body fat making up the energy deficit. Being in an energy surplus means they body has to deal with the surplus somehow and in an ideal world that means upping metabolism and burning it or in the less than ideal case, storing it.

When I was being counciled by dietitians, they had me down under 1600 Calories per day going low fat, but still high carb… And I still (slowly) gained weight. I was starving all the time and my metabolism was dropping with it. They couldn’t grasp that basic logic. They accused me of cheating because there’s no way I could be gaining at 1600 Calories. Reality was that I was getting sick, feeling weak, immune system was weakening, etc, all due to my slowing metabolism. After going keto, I’m comfortable eating at 2200-2600 Cal per day, never hungry, having energy to spare and losing weight, albeit rather slowly.

(Sarah ) #10

My take on this is as a single person, so I am missing the emotional part, where you feel the duty to protect him from himself… he is a big boy.

Another way to think of it… the things he needs most, veggies or fluids or whatnot, at least focus on trying to increase those.

Rant ahead.

He chooses his foods. If hes eating fast food/ snack8ng on typical “foods”, hes already eating high carb high fat. There’s very sketchy/no evidence that his eating more carbs at home (about the only way you can lower his fat intake) would be healthier than his currently eating high carb high fat when out, and and high fat low carb at home. You’re kind of dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t, as long as you are willing to put the responsibility for his health, on you.

There’s not enough science to really just decree an optimal diet for any one person, without tons of individual trial and error, tons of individual determination, and tons of personal responsibility. And you can’t do those things for him, just cook meats and veggies and offer them to him. And there’s absolutely not enough science to find the best mediocre to bad diet, which is what you’re really looking at here. You’re trying to use ethics and make choices about what’s least bad, without much evidence of good,

I personally don’t buy into the alignment between carb addiction and substance abuse like alcohol or drugs. But I think you should consider your role here… are you blaming yourself for his behavior? Would he drink less if you provided him with a happy home? It seems like this is a related concept.

#11

Looking forward to reading the responses here. I’m in the same situation (except we’re not married).

(Linda M Au) #12

Hi! I think I need to clarify a few things. I do not in any way feel some sort of enabling codependency about my husband’s food choices. Not in the slightest. He’s a big boy now and can make his own choices.

But, having said that, he works many long hours and I get to work from home. So I’m solely responsible for the grocery shopping and meal prep. That’s part of our division of labor, and I’m TOTALLY cool with it. (I still think I got the better end of this deal!)

So, SINCE that is how we operate here, I want to make sure I am not inadvertently making him less healthy by what I choose to feed him for dinner. I’m now seeing that I can still make foods that suit me and that don’t make him worse off. Tonight we had ribeye steaks and stir-fried veggies. He always cuts the fat off his meat (he just thinks it’s gross) … and I didn’t. The veggies were not a real problem for either of us.

So, I think if I continue to move toward less processed meats, for instance, he won’t be getting too much fat and I can add butter or eat the fat as I like.

I’ll continue to make his omelettes with a spritz of Pam in the pan rather than butter (though I make my own eggs in full butter, of course). And I’ll continue to make his chef salads with a lighter version of his salad dressing. (I have full-fat dressing for me.)

For now this will probably work. Tomorrow I am experimenting with keto donuts. Maybe I can start replacing his cookies and snacks slowly too. Tonight at dinner I mentioned my diet (and that I’ve already lost 11 pounds)… as part of a slow transition for him. As he sees me continue to get better and lose weight, he might actually get interested in it. And I bet I could talk him into changing his drive-thru habits if it means he could just have that cheeseburger but toss the bun completely. Maybe… maybe…

For now, I’ll keep trying to just not add any fat to his dinners… even if I’m adding it to mine.

(Renee Slaughter) #13

Same here. Thanks for the suggestions about non keto spouses.

(Rob) #14

I face the same challenges with my Spouse and while she was hesitant at first, the whole family now share many keto meals. Buttery cabbage with bacon has become a firm favourite for the whole family! Who knew?! (obviously butter and bacon make everything taste better :wink: )

Even though I am now getting compliments from people I don’t see often on how much slimmer I’m looking, the people around you every day don’t notice it so much, but I think once I’ve dropped another 12 kilos and reached my goal, plus the obvious health benefits, I’m hoping that the rest of the family will take notice more.

I share your concern about increasing the amount of fat in the diet of those around me while they continue to eat high levels of carbs and I know that fat is not going to be metabolised but stored due to high insulin levels. Either way, it’s still their choice to eat the fattier meal options.

(Dan Dan) #15

Why would you do this? Its the fat that is satiating and will keep him full longer and less likely to snack or run out to get fast food :thinking:

Keep plenty of keto friendly “appetizers” made like chicken wings, salami, cheese, stuffed peppers, meatballs :heart_eyes:

I have learned that if I keep satiated I don’t snack or get hungry between meals :smiley:

“May the Force (fat adaption) be with you”

IF/EF Keto WOE is Self-Discovery :wink:

Good luck and much success in your journey in IF/EF Keto WOE :grin:

(Rob) #16

Is that still the case for someone who is a carb burner?

I’m sure this is an over-simplification, but my understanding is that when we eat, carbs are burned as a priority over fat, therefore if carbs are satisfying all the energy needs of the individual then the fat doesn’t play as much of a part in providing energy. While Insulin is high, the remaining energy from carbs will be converted to fat by the liver for storage along with ingested fat, and while the hormone signal from Leptin to the brain is weak due to the predominance of carbs in the diet, the feeling of satiation does not appear so readily. Please correct me if my understanding is incorrect.

(Dan Dan) #17

yes

(Linda M Au) #18

He does not snack at all between that omelette breakfast and his packed lunch, or between his lunch and leaving work around 3:30 p.m. So, adding fat to that omelette or to his lunch isn’t going to change that situation, where he is already not snacking. He eats his work lunch around 11:30 a.m. and then goes till about 4:00 or so before he has an opportunity to eat again.

He typically goes straight from work to a bunch of rental properties we own. He’ll be over there fixing all sorts of stuff and dealing with tenants for many hours before heading home for a late dinner around 8 p.m. So, somewhere around 4 p.m., on his way from work to the rentals, he hits a drive-thru.

Keeping keto snacks in the house won’t change this part of his bad habits. So… until he comes around to keto thinking (which may never happen – he’s very stubborn in some ways)… I don’t want to make things worse for him. That’s my thinking, based on his unchanged habits for the past years.

#19

The best thing you can do is to set a good example and allow your results to speak for themselves.

If he comes around then great, if not Just keep doing what is important to you and your results.

#20

My husband would grab handfuls of my macadamia’s to snack on. I would tell him “no! Those are expensive, and for people (me) that are watching their carb intake.”
Like a child, he wants to watch his carbs too so he can be included with the special snacks.
He just started IF with me too and keeps telling me how amazing it feels not to have to worry about what he’s going to have for breakfast and lunch.
I’m about to start my 5th month keto. When I started he agreed to do 2 weeks with me. He lost 15 pounds and quit. He’s just now coming back around.