I’m an extra fat woman nearing 50. For some reason, I like to think of myself as not having tried much to lose weight. However, when I cast my mind back I have a long history of disorder/dieting/shame/bingeing that’s probably familiar to many people. This all added up to a person who doesn’t feel competent to feed herself. For the record I’ve done Jenny Craig, WW, raw vegan, vegan, McDougalls, etc. I binge ate chips, candy, fried chicken, pizza. I’m sure there’s more, I don’t know.
I’ve done two successful Whole30s: one in 2013 and one this past July. I tend to orthorexia. I know myself well enough to know when I’m grasping for some sense of control in my life by the rigidity of my thinking about food.
I dont know if all of that is a result or a cause, but it can’t be separated from the rest, which, I believe, goes as follows:
Every person’s body and system is different, obv. But I don’t think we understand the half of it. Your gut microbiome is as unique to you as your fingerprint. Your brain chemistry, ditto.
My messed-up endocrine system is the product of genes, early input, years of over-stimulating eating, interaction with brain chemicals and gut chemistry.
I also tend to react strongly and physiologically to stress. I have hyperreactive mucosa, so I get sinus stuff easily… that means inflammation in the head and lungs. Also I have a short trachea, which leads to snoring and apnea, even as a child. Inflamed head and lungs and poor sleep means more stress and more cortisol.
Consequently, my brain believes I’m constantly in danger, like, for years. It uses food to get the hits of dopamine that allow me to feel safe. It discourages me from moving much or changing much because stasis = safety, and keeping me safe/alive is my brain’s one job. So eating and not moving became ingrained behavior.
Whether I was prone to it or ate my way to it, my pancreas/liver/insulin/glucose cycle is all f’d up. That’s obvious, I am super fat.
Knowing all the above, I am disinclined to believe that anything can help. Eating “lower carb” on the Whole 30 seemed to do something positive. I don’t have a scale, I didn’t take measurements. I am and have been in total denial about my body, for years. Being super fat I avoid medical care because I don’t want to be told that everything wrong with me is due to fat. I know in my head that’s not true and not fair, I get the normal stuff non-fat people get. But also, what if it is true that I don’t deserve health because, well, look at me!
But this Spring after a cross-country move (which, in hindsight, I can’t believe I was able to do), I had to confront the reality that I must do something or I will die.
I ended my W30 early August. I ate pretty much the same/paleo for about a month after that. Then I started reading up on Keto. I have no book, (can anyone recommend the best one?) so I’m just trying to put it together from internet posts and videos. At the end of August I decided I don’t need to be tiny. I don’t even need to be thin. I just want to be small enough to wear the cute dresses I already own, and they’re all plus size dresses. That will be enough for me. I don’t hate myself for being fat. I’m just getting tired, and I want to live.
Here’s what I’m not doing well: I’m not doing “macros.”
I’m trying to trust that if I control my insulin by eating carbs in very limited amounts (dairy, vegetables, cured meats) and eat normal amounts of protein (a can of tuna, a couple chicken thighs, a nice big steak, a burger w/double patty), that my body will start working better. I take a potassium and magnesium supplement (along with D, C, multivitamin). I drink a lot of water, but not enough. I did a 30 hour fast from midday Wednesday to dinner last night. It was pretty effortless. I am doing a 24 hour right now (dinner last night to dinner tonight). I don’t know if that’s a good idea or bad. Some NSVs I’ve noticed recently: going down the straight steep stairs in our building usually makes my knees hurt. Last few days: no knee pain. Got a fancy sports bra in the largest size in Mid-June. When I first got it, I couldn’t fit in it. A month later I put it on and I couldn’t breathe in it. Now I wear it regularly with no problems.
I’m putting all this out there because I want to believe this will work for me enough so that I don’t feel so existentially and literally tired, and so I can live. Also, I need community and I like this one.
Thanks for reading.
It will work for you, it is working for you.
% PERFECT!