I've lost a lot of weight, wife gaining weight, doesn't believe in Keto - what to do?

(Arie1985uk ) #1

My wife is telling me with sarcasm “great, now you’d look handsome and I’d look like a cow” … and I keep on telling her I’ve never criticized what she’s doing, she doesn’t eat a lot, but she does snack lots of things from time to time, I told her it’s a bad thing but it feels like an argument that won’t take us anywhere…

Can I somehow convince my wife to believe in Keto, other than seeing the results on myself? She also tells me I spend too much on food, and I told her it’s completely on the contrary! Instead of wasting on fast food, deliveries, snacks - I eat 2/3 times a day and yes, I do buy meat/fish but so what … it’s not so expensive.

Any tips or suggestions how to handle this properly as a husband and wife?

(Chuck) #2

I am going to be honest I do low carb and intermittent fasting and my wife eats her pasta and bread. We aren’t all the same we are all different and have to figure out what works for me.

(You've tried everything else; why not try bacon?) #3

To paraphrase the immortal Yogi Berra, If your wife doesn’t want to eat keto, you can’t stop her.

We see a similar dynamic in households where one person gets sober. It creates a great strain on relationships, because people grow comfortable with the dysfunction and find change to be a threat. This is where the term “co-dependence” comes from: the other members of the family system have their own dependency on the effect of the substance on the relationship and will often try to sabotage the addict’s efforts to recover from addiction.

This is why every “Anonymous” program has its equivalent “Anon” program for families and friends. The original, Al-Anon, was started by Lois Wilson, who realised that. although not an alcoholic herself, she was just as dependent in her own way on alcohol as her husband, Bill, one of the co-founders of A.A.

#4

If you become the husband that figures out how to convince your wife of anything, first, tell me. THEN write a book. She won’t be complaining about the meat because you’ll be rich from the book sales.

OR, just have anybody that’s not you tell her Keto is great, that’d probably be the fastest way, other than when your results piss her off enough to make her switch sides. That’s what got mine, My first year or so I was doing it by myself. Most of the time it’s small enough tweaks it’s not a huge deal, depending on what she likes to eat obviously.

#5

You can’t force other people to see things your way. You only increase resistance. Sometimes even resentment.

That’s my life experience right there.

If they ask, you can try to explain. And you can lead your life your way. But, you cannot change other people unless they want to change and make the first steps by themselves. Ever.

(Robin) #6

My advice…. Drop it. Your wife’s problem isn’t yours.
Get healthy. Feel good about yourself.

She can’t do anything for herself until the incentive comes from within herself. Could be a number on the scale, could be a zillion things… you never know what will flip that switch for another person.

But no one ever convinced me to change, or tried to. Like most things, it’s an inside job.

(Peter - Don't Fear the Fat ) #7

Yeah, don’t even try to convince them, it’s pointless and a well tried failure.
I have the same thing here (a pasta loving partner) plus parents, brothers and sisters etc etc, they all see my transformation yet don’t see a keto diet as an option for them.
Baffling isn’t it

(Rossi Luo) #8

Um, my experience told me that it’s really really difficult to change a person’s beliefs even it’s your wife or mom.
My mom has type 2 diabetics for more than 20 years, and high blood pressure, and calculus of bile duct, and her fasting blood glucose is usually around 10 (the recommended range is below 6.1). And I tried many ways to make her believe Keto can make her better, for months, she still doesn’t believe it…

#9

My wife was vegetarian once. Not any longer. I stopped talking about diets and foods. But we talked about nutrition. How protein intake is so important. We talked about what amino acids are important. We talked about our enjoyment of physical activity. How to achieve that almost pain-free. She wasn’t into keto. But when we tested, she was ketogenic. It snuck up on her when we looked at life.

#10

But isn’t it easy to prove? I can just calculate it from an average day and while my days can be very different, it does show things…

Hmmm… It’s definitely much harder if she doesn’t have benefits. DOES she? Weight is one thing, I stayed fat on keto but felt other things… Actually, it must have been a gut feeling as I had no benefit beyond fat adaptation (but that was neat!)… Still, my body was elated I eat less carbs somehow, it felt the right direction even if it took years to figure out the right style where I DO get benefits…
So, is there something GOOD going on for her? If not, I understand she doesn’t want to do keto especially if some other woe has more benefits (even if it’s just cheapness, simplicity or more joy).

By the way, my cheapest diet this far was carnivore(-ish). Honestly I don’t get why poor people in many countries (where cheap meat is a thing) eat mostly meat (the cheaper options, obviously. some meats are luxury here, people just don’t live on steaks here in Hungary, it’s insanely expensive)… Though it’s different when one is manage to get satiated by carbs… They just make me hungrier and my appetite grows too so I overeat.
But keto can be done in an expensive way, yes, of course. And some people need (or don’t just use) pricier stuff. There are normal options too though. And it may help a lot avoiding tons of overpriced, bad, appetite triggering treats…
You wrote fast food, yeah, that can be pricy too when overdone… I always preferred my own food and still found low-carb then keto less expensive (probably not by much, I still ate a lot but it definitely wasn’t more expensive).

If it was my life, I would leave my other half to do whatever they want (actually, I do that). It’s pretty much impossible to persuade another person about their diet in most cases. If I feel very, very strongly about something (like no added sugar if possible), I put in some effort, offer some knowledge but if the other one is already health-conscious but their ideal diet is simply different from mine, I accept it. My SO eats HCHF, he is very health-conscious and unable to do low-carb anyway, it never ends well. He always gets closer to my woe whenever I change something but he has his limits and not even he can change those. But he is thriving and I don’t believe in eating HCHF being necessarily bad for everyone, using any style.

Timing may be the key for your wife. Okay, obviously a healthy woe is basic but timing may matter a lot, it does to me. If I have the best woe with bad timing, I overeat. If I have a bad, carby day but I have a small enough eating window, I won’t feel bad (or I need to do something crazy).
IF isn’t for everyone but maybe it would help her? Or no snacking? There are things to try.
And keto may be way too strict for her, it is even for me :smiley: Though that is mostly mental BUT I am a low-carber veteran. I didn’t jump into keto from high-carb. I tried and couldn’t, I felt awful. But mere low-carb was great for me for a long time. I had to go lower, some people may stay there.
And some people do the wrong keto. They think they need 70 or 75% fat. I would overeat all the time using that high percentage, I never did that longer term. Maybe she eats too much carbs especially sugar, who knows? I surely did on keto (mostly from vegs. it’s so good I dropped them except a tiny bit for fun and juicyness with my meat. like 10-20g but not every day). Some people don’t get their benefits especially fat-loss wise when eating sweeteners…etc. So if her keto doesn’t work, maybe some items are wrong. But maybe she needs a different woe altogether at this point. I can’t possibly know.

#11

Oh and price of meat… Eating is a very important part of our life, very much connected to our health, enjoyment… If you can afford your food, I suppose you have a right for it instead of spending it for some other things you need less but find fun? I don’t even understand why (from my viewpont, somewhat rich) people are so anxious about the price of their food. While simultaneously spending a ton of money of it and not even on good items… Oh well.
If one can’t afford the fancy, pricy food, they shouldn’t buy it, fortunately there are options, usually, it must be really unfortunate to be very poor and having various problems even with meat while needing carnivore for some reason… But if we are lucky to be fine with cheap enough options for our budget… Why not to spend the money on good food? It’s our money and our very, very important food. Seriously.

#12

My SO’s Mom has diabetes. Fortunately she follows doctor’s orders so she eat low-carb (150-160g carbs a day, normal diabetes diet since ages here)… But that’s it. And her little extras, you won’t keep her to eat sugar, it just happens very rarely and in small amounts…
She would never do keto and it’s not necessarily bad but further diminishing her carb intake may not be unwise… But it won’t happen.
She even smokes and that’s more obviously harmful than not going very low-carb…
I just hope for the best, she has a very stubborn, healthy mind and a somewhat sturdy body (though it has multiple problems, not just diabetes)… Maybe she won’t die too soon. We are totally unable to do more. Sometimes I bake her a keto cake so she won’t buy some ice cream or make a sugary one and that’s it.

#13

OHHHH baby you got a toughie on this one :wink:

She I am sure feels left behind in some fashion. Communicating in a more negative way saying she isn’t valuable now watching you succeed and she ‘can’t quite’ seem to get there with you.

I think FrankoBear had a great approach. Talk nutrition. Then be interactive. Prepare meals together when you can. Shop together when ya can. Suggest a nightly walk or other exercise you both can do…chat up fun stuff, not dieting stuff :slight_smile: Slowly ‘chat up’ a little about why meat is good and taters are bad :sunny: but do all this is a very non-aggressive approach ya know. She doesn’t want you as a teacher and lectures, she probably would love true interaction with you ya know. Actions speak way louder than words ya know.

You are in a tough spot tho. Us women, who knows what the hell we are thinking when we say something sometimes :partying_face::100: but in the end, I would go interactive on this one for being in it together vs. lectures and throwing out links for her to read. In other words, take her hand and guide with her kinda.

Wishing you the best way forward…everyone in a marriage has hit this stuff on every level as we all know…so sending good vibes to you!

(Marianne) #14

Right on.

(Marianne) #15

Don’t try to convince her - it won’t make a lick of difference and just result in anger and frustration for both of you. We all are responsible for ourselves. Just keep doing what you’re doing and maybe she will decide to join you at some point.

(Robin) #16

Oh, this reminds me…… my ex once told me if I ever got fat, he would leave me.
So what did I do? You guessed it…. I got very fat.

(KM) #17

Personally, my keto food is quite expensive. And I believe it is improving and extending my life. I absolutely won’t budge on this; as far as I’m concerned, someone telling me I’m spending too much on my keto food would be like telling me I’m spending too much staying alive and healthy. Rather than disagree, my husband and I each pay for our own food.

(Doug) #18

Well said. It’s necessarily going to be a subjective thing, i.e. it matters how much money one has, just what "too much means for them, how much one cares about given purchases, what else one buys, etc. But as ‘objectively’ as it gets - I’d say one’s life and health rank very high.

(Arie1985uk ) #19

I agree with you and also thanks for all the other tips & suggestions here!
Also when you’re healthier you spend less on drugs, less on medical bills, you spend less on so many things that make your final bill actually smaller.

(KM) #20

Yes, absolutely!