Rant, how to get the damn kid to listen?

(Tim W) #1

After a holiday visit, watching my daughter consume mostly carbs (she claims to be a pescatarian, vegetables are apparently her least favorite food group) and seeing no change in her health/body comp (she got the short/stubby body type from my mother’s side of the family) I’m just freaking frustrated.

We’ve had earnest discussions about how she has “trash genes” from both sides of the family, how she’s pre-disposed to type II diabetes, how she has to get her diet right or she won’t be healthy (never mind slim, that’s probably not in the cards for her, I’m telling you, I come from a family with 5-8 folks pushing 400 pounds, there isn’t a slim one in the bunch) yet she continues to eat mostly carbs, some fish, a few vegetables here and there.

I’ve even volunteered to visit and stay with her, to be her home chef for two weeks, to teach her and her BF fasting and the keto basics, that was met with no response. Hell, I would have even bought the food! Who turns that down? The chance to have someone come in and cook for two weeks, to show you all the ins and outs…

She’s seen her mom drop 80 pounds on this WOE, using a fasting and keto protocol, she’s seen my health and attitude improve, she’s seen too much proof that this WOE works, yet no apparent interest.

I don’t want to be the over-bearing father who just won’t shut up about topic XXXX BUT, she’s impacting her long term health and it truly worries and frustrates me.

What do I have to do to get someone to listen? Do I have to earn a doctorate in this crap? Do I have to have a full on “change your life or die” drama session?

I know, I know, I know, people change when THEY are ready to change. Just looking for some advice/other avenues of attack that might help. We’ve bought them books, suggested 2 keto dudes podcasts, we’ve pointed the way, the horse just won’t drink…

Ideas?

(Sophie) #2

Have you considered reverse psychology, because it sounds like you’ve tried everything short of locking her in the house?

(Tim W) #3

Oh boy have we!

She’s a stubborn one. we learned long ago that trying to convince her that the sun would rise would fail if we tried the “head on” approach. We thought the “we are here to help when you are ready for our assistance” approach would do it… to no avail.

I did suggest that she and I attend ketofest next year, I pay for the tickets/trip etc. Maybe that would do it. I really think it’s a situation of “mom and dad are just mom and dad, what do they know…” (except how to raise you in a loving home, put you through college, help you get started in your post-college life… you can sense the frustration right?).

BTW, that’s a great book, I have it on my shelf along with my other stoic readings.

(Jessica) #4

I think she has to find her own way. I would have resisted keto if it was pushed on me. I thought eliminating a food group was orthoexic behavior. II know it’s frustrating! I have a close friend who is keto and he works with my BIL…we both think BIL would really benefit from keto, but all we can do is let our results speak.

(Jenn Monaghan) #5

The last thing I would have wanted as a young lady living with my boyfriend was my dad staying with us! :sweat_smile:

Try ordering some meal kits for her. They have low carb options on some of them like this one: https://www.chefd.com/collections/atkins-low-carb-meal-kits

I did Plated.com meal kits for 2 years before starting keto and they are wonderful at teaching people how to cook real food. But Plated’s idea of low carb is 50 carbs per meal.

#6

I would say - stop trying to convince. She knows you know and when/if she is ready, she will ask or do. Change comes from within - and I’m guessing right now its all about being oppositional. Just continue to love her and accept her as she is and focus instead on all the the positive things she is doing in her life. We all have people in our lifes that we want to see the best for - just as they probably got frustrated watching us struggle. I had a mother who was always ‘concerned’ and all it did was make me feel worse and inadequate. Internet hugs to you and your family :two_hearts: and know that we’re all here for you - and her whevever the time comes.

(Tim W) #7

Thanks for the feedback, this is why I posted, to get some other points of view. My wife and I are coming from a place of love but we get frustrated (this must be similar to watching someone go down a spiral of drug/excessive alcohol use, frustrating!).

Good point. I was thinking of the benefits, not the negatives from her perspective. We’ll check out the meal services.

Great feedback thanks. I suspect that’s what we’ll do, my frustration stems from many things but it’s been re-hashed when reading Leanne Vogel’s keto book. Someone gifted us her book and although we’ve been keto for a year and have several books already, I went ahead and read it last night just to remind myself of the particulars of the WOE. Leanne discusses how she used to be vegetarian and how she believes it was the wrong diet for her body. Looking at my kid, she’s 100% on the wrong diet. Add to that her intelligence and strong will AND the current philosophy of “accepting everyone, even if they are overweight, they should just be happy with themselves” and I think it’s a recipe for poor health and, eventually, serious physical complications. Kiddo is nearly morbidly obese range and I can’t imagine she’s happy with her body, even with all the “just love you for you” discussion out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m anti-fat shamming (and the opposite, which does occur, fit shamming is a thing too…) BUT when you “just accept that your fat” it ignores the fact that your WOE may not be optimum for your genetics/environment/metabolic health. My fear is that if she continues down this path, she’ll be a candidate for all the BS being pushed on the obese, it will start with metformin, then insulin, then surgery, when it could ALL be corrected by diet. AND, since she doesn’t have health insurance, who is paying for that “health care”?

So, it’s not as simple as “it only impacts her, if she’s happy then leave it be”. Eventually, it impacts many around her, family, taxpayers, her employer, etc. and it could all be changed by just lowering her carb intake, she doesn’t even have to go keto, if she could just break the carb addiction, I think she’d be fine (yes, we’ve told her this… to no avail).

What’s a loving parent to do…

(Jessica) #8

I absolutely get it! I have a couple family members I’d like to hog tie and force feed bacon. :slight_smile: Keep doing what you’re doing and hopefully your results will motivate her.

(Allie) #9

You can only lead by example because no one will change until they’re ready to.

#10

First of all, I’d start with just LCHF and forget about the fasting component. That just scares people away. No one wants to hear they should fast. Once they get excited about Keto and know how they just don’t want or need to eat for hours on end, then they go there naturally.

(Shayne) #11

Yup… you can’t hog tie them and force feed them keto… I’ve tried.

My daughter still lives with me (she’s 16) and she is also on the road to PCOS/T2D, etc. etc. etc.

She KNOWS all about keto, but she will still order some crap from amazon or dominoes. Maybe once I finally start losing weight (keto for a year, off meds, but no weight loss, going to start regular IF next week), then she’ll be more apt to stick with it. But she still doesn’t believe she’s truly gluten sensitive, either, no matter how I point out the symptoms to her…

I think it may also be an age thing. Humans don’t develop the logic circuits in their brain till the mid 20s. So I’m still hopeful.

(Sophie) #12

I’ll admit that I was never lucky enough to have children but I was one once, and I know that whatever parents do is Not Cool. period! Now, if you can convert one of her friends to Keto, now that would be something that she would listen to because, well, if my friends are doing it… :roll_eyes:

(Lynne Hurley Perry) #13

You need to let her come to it on her own. Be a good example, be cheerful. Prepare good keto food when you see her but do not demand or command.

(carl) #14

I would just make myself the most amazing smelling and tasting food I could, and not share it. :slight_smile:

#16

Wow, this forum is so awesome - so many thoughtful responses!

@infromsea In case you want yet one more opinion, I would vote for not pushing her and maybe not even bringing it up (or at least with regard to her or hinting toward her health). Most of my family is LCHF since I first found my way into paleo a while ago, and there was no coercion involved. When I was excited about something, I shared it but never with the subtext of “…and you should do this.”

Can you take a look at Motivational Interviewing? It describes quite clearly why trying to change someone’s mind about something just doesn’t work. Short version: if you are the voice of positive change, there’s just not much space/room for her to develop that voice herself (but she’ll get really good at articulating arguments against change).

(Tim W) #17

Lots of good stuff here, thanks for the feedback everyone!

In my heart of hearts I know I have to just shut my mouth, be a good example, and stand by to assist if requested… it’s frustrating.

I’ll just wait for someone close to her with more influence to “go keto” (someone who is anti-establishment, maybe on social media…) and be ready to answer the inevitable questions at that time.

(You've tried everything else; why not try bacon?) #18

I hear you, Tim, and you’re not going to like the answer: close your eyes, cross your fingers, and pray real hard. You didn’t cause her problem, you can’t control her problem, and you can’t cure her problem. You did your part by raising her up and sending her out into the world; the rest is up to her, not you.

That’s got to be one of the hardest parts of being a parent, and I’m really sorry. It’s her life, and you have to stand back and let her fuck it up. You don’t have to like that, you just have to accept it. So keep calm and keto on.

Two thoughts that might help: the flip side of its being her life is that the medical bills are no longer your responsibility.

And the second thought comes from Mark Twain: “When I was twenty years old, I thought my father was the stupidest man on the face of the Earth. By the time I was twenty-five, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in five years.”

(Dan Dan) #19

Ok, now that you know its her choice there is nothing stopping you from annoying the hell out of her by sending her pictures of every awesome keto meal you have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snaks :wink::innocent:

(You've tried everything else; why not try bacon?) #20

@Dan_Dan, that’s just evil!

Love it! :rofl:

(Tim W) #21

I do love that quote. The funny thing is, we’ve gotten the “Mom and dad, you were right about XXXX” phone call. It just seems that in this realm, it’s a lesson she has to “re-learn”. I think it has to do with the gender difference and the general stubborness (no idea where she got that from :innocent:)

@dan_dan, I don’t do facebook but I’ve considered using it to do exactly what you say, not just for kiddo but for my whole family, to show them a positive example in regards to diet/exercise/financial restraint etc… To go down into the black hole of facebook, do I dare? I REALLY value my anonymity and try to live a stoic based philosophy, I’m not the “look at me, look at me” type, facebook (and it’s ilk) seem to foster that mentality, the idea that people who are busy living their own lives might be more interested in what I’m doing than what’s going on in their own lives (when I know they are not, we are all self-interested and focused on our challenges). I know, I’m overthinking it and getting philosophical in a forum, that’s enough for now right.