Need some advice on how to tell my concerned mother her concern is starting to get overbearing

(Rj Yoyo) #1

So I’m pretty sure a few you guys at least know I’ve got type 1 diabetes, and my mother has always been a little over concerned when it comes to me. For example every time she misses a phone call or doesn’t see a text until later, or even worse I don’t see your text until later, she freaks out and ask my wife if everything’s okay and calls me a million times and just really is starting to get on my nerves comma because now it’s even worse because she thinks I’m going to kill myself with my diet. I’ve considered asking her to treat me like I’m a non diabetic but I feel like that would probably trigger her. I want to go about this in a good manner but I need to make clear to her this is getting to be too much. How would you guys go about it?

(karen) #2

Would she be interested in the science? There are a few documentaries out there with people who have T2D who have stopped/reversed it with keto diets. Of course T1 is a different animal altogether, but maybe some of the information about carbs = need for a lot of insulin = eventual arterial damage will sink in???

(Chris) #3

Honestly sounds like she might benefit from a support group or something. This doesn’t sound healthy. I don’t mean this in a judgemental way, though. If that wasn’t clear.

(Rj Yoyo) #4

I gave her my Kindle account so she could read Dr Bernstein’s book, and she won’t. I also sent get links to podcasts like all the low carb experts and 2 keto dudes, which she refused to listen to even though she podcasts while on the road for her job. I really don’t know how else I could approach this anymore.

(LeeAnn Brooks) #5

Sounds like some tough love may be in order. If she’s unwilling to even look at the things your giving her, I don’t think any amount of bargaining or compromising will work.

I would draw a hard line in the sand. As respectfully as possible tell your mother that you want your next conversation to be about the material you’ve given her. Make it clear that you expect to have a discussion with her that is informed. She may not agree with everything and she may still have questions and concerns, but you can discuss it after she’s read the articles and listen to the pod casts.

And here’s the hard part. I would let her know that you expect that to be your next conversation, meaning don’t call until you’ve done it.

I know this won’t work for everyone and I won’t assume it’s right for you. Just saying how I would handle it. I’ve learned to be very blunt with my mother over the years. It’s lead to a few bouts of her not speaking to me for periods of time and her defriending me on Facebook, but it’s a much less complicated relationship than the constant manipulation.

(Rj Yoyo) #6

The funny thing is she’s a mental health professional lol. I wonder if I could get her to join type 1 grit on Facebook. Maybe hearing from other mom’s could help though. Thanks :slight_smile:

(Rj Yoyo) #7

I’ve quit talking to her before, but never in a thoughtful manner. That’s a really thought-provoking but of advice, thank you. I think I may send her the books and articles again and give that a try if type 1 grit can’t get through.

(karen) #8

My own mom is 89, so I’m not even trying, but she doesn’t hear even when she hears. I’ll say I’m on a low carb diet, and even though she knows what carbs are, two minutes later she’ll be offering me a slice of bread. I’ll reminder her I’m low carb and she’ll say “yes, I know. But bread is good for you.” Period. Bread is good for you. These ideas are so entrenched there’s no getting around them. Also, she needs a lot of psychological mirroring, and she loves bread. So if I won’t eat bread that’s a condemnation of her choice. :roll_eyes: I don’t have advice if she won’t listen, other than to say I hear you.

ETA: I’m visiting in a month, which means 26 arguments over what I put in my mouth and when I eat it, plus snack offerings. I can’t wait.

(Ethan) #9

Yeah…its built into society. My father-in-law reads these articles from AARP all the time. They recently talked about the ketogenic diet and faulted it for–as always–not including fruits and fiber. Then they also explain why wheat is so important that without wheat, you will not get enough nutrients. My father-in-law knows this is mostly bunk, but it’s just pervasive thought.

(karen) #10

The most dangerous part of the whole darn thing is how these “facts” spread. You can bet AARP didn’t come up with the dire consequences of wheat deficiency on their own, that has all the earmarks of a lobbyist or a marketing firm. But now fifty gazillion seniors will be walking around with a new bit of “knowledge” to pass on. Wonderful. - my insurance company’s tip of the month for diabetics is to buy “beans, rice, oatmeal and other grains” in bulk to save money. :roll_eyes:

(mags) #12

I feel your pain. My mother constantly offers me carbage and then says oh no you’re not allowed that are you. So many times!! I chew my tongue…she’s 90 and ain’t going to change!

(karen) #13

Yep. At least your Mom respects your choices - “allowed”. With mine it’s like she’s still in 1970, and she has the final judgment over what I’m “allowed” to eat, anything outside those parameters is just me being willful and immature. I’ve finished menopause, so that’s hard to take, but yeah, I grin and bear it, every year it seems a little funnier and less insulting. Maybe I should tell her this is the diet my DOCTOR (can you hear the trumpets?) has put me on.

(mags) #14

Great idea…because doctors are always right aren’t they! :grinning:

(Rj Yoyo) #15

Thank you all so much for the replies. I would like to say that I am going to hook her up with type 1 grit and see if maybe some of the parents there can soften some of her zeal. Other than that I think I’m going to learn to just grin and bear it. This is exactly why I love this forum. thank you guys again.

(You've tried everything else; why not try bacon?) #16

Same with my mother. I believe it has to do with being too close to be objective. She was great with others, just not with Dad and us kids.

I learned—eventually, and with help—to see my part in the dynamics, and once I was able to change, it both freed her and forced her to change, depending on the issue. It was definitely not an easy process, but eventually we did get to a really nice relationship.

Be warned, however, that it is often more difficult to connect with the parent of the same sex; whereas the relationship with the parent of the opposite sex usually comes more easily. If you have a brother who’s willing to help, he might have an easier time of explaining your point of view to your mother and getting her to back off. My sister and I have discussed this, and we have come to feel that it’s okay to trade on the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl dynamic, especially for the important issues.