Looking for some support

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(Steaks b4 cakes! 🥩🥂) #1

Hello all!!

This is less of a ‘keto’ post, and more of a support post. Seeing as all of us here know the dangers of sugar and poor diets and what it does to our insides, you have all been such a wonderful source of friendly advice in the past, I felt this was the best place to have a good rant!

My wonderful mother took herself to hospital on Thursday morning with chest and jaw pains, within an hour or so the doctors suspected this was a heart attack. My grandfather (mums dad) died at the age of 49 of a heart attack, 3 months before I was born he just died with no warning, so naturally this scared the sh*t out of me so I left work crying, got driven to the hospital and sat with mum for best part of the day. The doctor confirmed she had a ‘coronary event’. After further tests they said she had a mild to moderate heart attack.

To be honest I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. She’s been in and out of hospital for a few years now. She has rheumatoid arthritis, which has affected her massively over the years, and due to get compromised immune system she had pneumonia last year and got took off in an ambulance a few times in the summer, she spent a lot of time in hospital but none of this shook her enough to want to change her diet…I get it, she’s down, sad, and because she’s physically unable to prepare nice meals each evening she’s lived off ready meals which i understand…but she loves her sweet stuff. She’s always buying cakes and sweets, and while I was packing her bits up to take to the hospital I went in her underwear drawer and found stashes of chocolate and candy. Ironically in her medication drawer in her bedroom she had nougat, in her knickers drawer she had chocolate and on the top of her dresser she had honeycomb sweets. She’s a nightmare for the stuff. She sees me eating keto and turns her nose up at it saying ‘she can’t eat like I do’ which I understand. Drugs make her appetite decrease and she’s been getting by each day eating as and when she can, and the options are less than ideal. I don’t want her to eat like me, I know she won’t be able to hack it so I’ve suggested more of a paleo approach to her diet. I know she can’t cut it all out she loves her sweet things, but how do I help her to understand if she doesn’t make the change she will die??

I’ve sent her links to a wonderful UK cardiologist we have here called Aseem Malhotra…he’s switched on and he understands the dangers of sugar…do I keep I keep bombarding her with links of his posts or do I let her figure this out on her own?

He put up an amazing post recently on Facebook about hospital food…exactly what he posted is what she’s being fed at the moment. I was horrified, she knows I was, and since she was admitted she’s been making ‘better’ choices such as salads and omelettes.

This is all the candy I’ve confiscated from the house so far:

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Am I right in doing this???

Is anyone else going through something similar with a loved one??

How did you help them to understand that sugar will kill them? I need my mum to get this though to her head. If she doesn’t, she will die and miss out on her granddaughter growing up. She will leave behind people that love her, all because she wants to eat this crap rather than make healthier choices for herself. I’m devastated.

(Susan) #2

I am so sorry that you are having to be so stressed out about all this, Clare and that your mom had the heart attack. It is very good that she went to the hospital and got checked out, though.

All that candy looks so amazing to me --I look at it and think “Yummy” so delicious. I am a severe Candyaholic – and would easy be able to eat all that in a day or two pre-Keto – and I have now been doing Keto for a year and the only candy I have had was a Lindt small ball Christmas day and the two 95% chocolate bars that my girls gave me for Christmas. I don’t want any ever again - I thought, why do Clare, Jackie and everyone like these so much -I ate them for a treat, because they were a gift and I could work them into my macros those days (no other carbs those days when I ate 2-4 pieces of them until they were gone). I cannot allow myself to have any of the above – I could not stop at one, I could easily eat all that in one sitting if I started, so I have none.

I was more addicted to that then your mom is the point of me telling you all that, and I am totally sugar free and mostly sweetener free too (on the rare occasion I will have some of the sweetener). If I can do it, there is certainly hope for your mom getting off all the sugar too. Maybe you could wean her off slowly by getting her sugar free sweets, or making her Keto sweets, and then over time she can wean down from that too?

When I started Keto as a sugar maniac, I found Fat Bombs really helped me wean off the sugar, and a lot of flavoured Herbal teas. I would love my husband to eat better, and he refuses, so I can relate to your frustration as I know that eating better would help his health a lot, but he doesn’t care that it would.

I hope that you can have a really good chat with her and tell her how you want her around for a long time, just explain to her how much you and your daughter love her, and how you really want her to try so that she can be healthier and live for years to come. Maybe if she realizes the impact of how she is eating is really adversely affecting her health; and she can mentally get her head around the idea of her eating better for being around for you and your daughter, it might give her more motivation. My little grand daughter (who will be 4 in July) really helped me for my motivation. I am her primary caregiver so I found that motivation for me to get in shape and be healthy.

I know that you are taking care of your daughter, and she is in nursery, etc so it is not the same situation as mine, but you are still all together in the same house, and the three of you are a close family unit. I think that you have to have a major sit down talk with her and tell her exactly how you are feeling, and how much you and your little daughter love her and need her around for a long time =). I was addicted to that candy as much or more then your mom is; and I know I cannot have it anymore, and I hope for you that your mom will get to that point one day too =).

#3

I’m so sorry to hear of your mother’s current health crisis.

My opinion may very well be unpopular - but you can’t make food choices for your mother. It’s her decision to eat healthy - or unhealthy. And that may mean you lose her long before you are ready. (Let’s face it, none of us are ever really ready to lose a parent.)

I hope she finds a strong reason to change her eating habits so you don’t have to lose her too soon.

(Michael - When reality fails to meet expectations, the problem is not reality.) #4

Think how hard it is to change yourself. What are the chances of changing someone else? My mom smoked all her adult life and died of lung cancer the night before her 85th birthday. Several of her children were holding her when she went and she seemed to slip away easily. She was a registered nurse during her working years and knew exactly what she was doing and the probable outcome. Still, she persisted. None of us could convince her.

My dad, on the other hand, stopped smoking in the mid-1960s by his own choice. He had other issues but at least he stopped smoking. But no one else convinced him, he made that decision for himself.

If we live long enough, we all lose our parents and it leaves a big hole that nothing can ever fill. But that’s the way it is and we can’t change it. Just accept it and carry on.

#5

You are a wonderful daughter! You are right that paleo is better than the standard diet everyone eats.

It’s hard to help people who just aren’t ready or willing, but she might be at the right place now to be willing to make changes.

Removing the sweets is only a temporary fix. If she isn’t willing to change, she will just buy more. I hope this has frightened her enough to make a healthy change.

#6

Erm, the fact that she hid the sweets in various places reminds me of my mom, who had a hoarding issue in her old age - of all things she was hoarding purses. Spent a ton of money on them and hid them around the house.

I would definitely talk to someone who knows about hoarding, as well as check the dates on all the sweets to see if they are all fresh. Hoarders need to be approached very carefully, giving up their stash can be very traumatic for them.

Just what the story brings to mind here…

(Steaks b4 cakes! 🥩🥂) #7

Thank you all for your responses!
I don’t think I’m ready to give up on her just yet - she needs help to get started, if after all that she still won’t make the effort then I won’t bother helping her anymore.
I know that she needs to help herself, but I can’t help but feel if I didn’t at least try to step in and give her some guidance, I would never forgive myself if I didn’t try

(Bunny) #8

Trying to tell someone about keto that is not interested is the same as telling them the world is ending tomorrow[1][2].

Sweets are killing them and they just don’t care to hear about it, because they accept death not as a result of what they are eating, it is just because they simply don’t care and there emotions are more important and take precedence over anything (a wall of emotion you cannot penetrate e.g. Fort Knox) no matter what it is, even death, and if you want to be ignored just keep talking about it?

That is what you call a narcissist.

References:

[1] “…The Cassandra complex is the name given to a phenomenon where people who predict bad news or warnings are ignored or outright dismissed. The term Cassandra complex has entered the lexicon in 1949 when a French philosopher discussed the potential for someone to predict future events. …” …More

[2] “…Cassandra Complex draws the profile of someone who thinks they can predict the future but feels unable to change it. This curious phenomenon can torment those who suffer from it, making predictions in which others do not believe. In Greek mythology, Cassandra was one of the princesses of Troy, daughter of Priam and Hecuba. According to the legends, she was a beautiful woman who was blessed with the gift of seeing the future. However, this ability was accompanied by a curse: no one would believe her. Because of this, Cassandra could anticipate the outcome of many disastrous events, such as the acceptance of the famous Greek horse by the Trojans. Cassandra’s family thought she was crazy and did not believe her crazy story about the Greeks’ intentions to attack the city. Of course, the more than famous story ended with the defeat of the Trojans and the destruction of their city. …” …More

(Kristen Ann) #9

I’m sorry you and you’re family is going through. I was able to get my Dad to go keto by making him watch the “magic pill” on Netflix and educating him about the benefits. He also saw my own health improve. From there I had him read the “Art and Science of Low Carb Living” and “The Obesity Code.” I’m very thankful that he was open to making a diet change.

I tried to get my Mom on board by advertising keto as a weight loss diet (though I believe it’s more of a diet for health) but was unsuccessful. She says she eats the keto meals my Dad makes and adds rice or pasta to the meal. :woman_shrugging:

(Steaks b4 cakes! 🥩🥂) #10

:joy::joy::joy: she’s half way there then!

I do think there’s hope for her yet…I want to show her I’m there for her. I’m not ready to wash my hands of the situation just yet…

#11

Oh Clare, I’m so sorry you have to go through this :frowning: It’s very difficult to find yourself in a situation where you have to parent your parent. My dad was an alcoholic and it killed me every time he relapsed, I was so angry with him, I felt like I was his mother and he was my helpless child. I realized later that no matter what I did, he is an adult and responsible for his own life, he was free to do as he pleased. When it comes to all forms of addictions and bad habits - if we aren’t ready to change, no one will be able to have any influence over choices. You didn’t do anything wrong by confiscating her candy, it was a logical reflex of trying to help her and taking control of one situation when you aren’t able to control another (your mom’s health at this time). My panic attacks started when my dad was finally placed in a home, since there was nothing for me to do and I felt useless, there was nothing to fight for. You are probably feeling something similar - your mom’s situation is out of your control now, so you need to have something to hang on to, something to control, something to fix, something to complete…
You deserve to be heard, so you should definitely talk to her about your feelings, thoughts and ideas on how to help her heal. Unfortunately, sometimes our loved ones don’t want to hear it… It hurts like a b****, but sometimes there is absolutely nothing we can do apart from watch them destroy themselves. :frowning: I’m keeping my fingers crossed, sending positive thoughts and strength and I am hoping that your mother will hear you and make better/smarter choices.

Edit: I was angry with my dad for choosing alcohol over us, but it actually had nothing to do with us, it was his addiction and it was much stronger than his love for us. Here’s to hoping your mom will be able to do better. :slight_smile:

#12

What convinced me to try Keto was the fact that I could have keto desserts!! Little did I know that my cravings for sweets would lessen with time. I dont think any of us knew before we started how much our tastes would change. So I would get her to start keto by assuring her that she can still eat sweets - that she doesnt have to abstain for the rest of her life. I would get her to make almond milk milk shakes with sugar free cocoa, I would buy her erythrit and stevia and vanilla extract. How about some chaffles made with cinnamon? There is a recipe for a chocolate mug cake made with almond flour in 10 minutes. But I would teach her how to count her carbs so they stay below 20g while doing this ( introduce her to cronometer.com) andthenperhaps help her in getting creative with it. But most of all I would tell her about keto CHEESECAKE to get her to begin.

('Jackie P') #13

Wondering how your Mum is today?

#14

I’ve very sorry about your mother. That sounds really painful.

I think the culture is partly to blame as we culturally don’t recognize an addiction to sweet and carbs as what it is - an addiction, and a dangerous one.

We (by we I mean society at large) talk about someone “having a sweet tooth” or “loving sweets,” when in fact they are addicted to a substance that is hurting their health and quality of life, and in some cases killing them.

We don’t say, anymore at least, that a smoker “just loves cigarettes,” or that a opioid addict “has an opiod tooth.” Yet we persist in doing it with another substance that can lead to death and amputations (for diabetics). And even if nothing this dire happens, sugar addicts spend much of their lives fighting with their cravings - not a fun way to live. I am one of them - I know.

I think one good thing the Keto movement can do is to help bring visibility to this problem.