Humor
Some of us broke away to form The United Church of Steak.
It was The Great Schism (or The Great Sizzleā¦?). 
:-p
Iāve been in a good mood lately. BG has been in the 90ās for several days in a row now. My stepdaughters kids keep asking me to tell the same old stories I have told them from when I was in the Air Force. They love to hear practical joke stories. So I figured I share this one. Hopefully it will make someone thatās been feeling down smile a little.
I was an Aircraft Weapons Mechanic in the USAF for 20 years. Thatās a fancy term for a bomb loader. Job could be stressful. So we would often play practical jokes on the other guys we worked around to help relieve the stress. Although, to tell the truth, it was really more us transferring our stress to them.
Hereās a really quick example of a very common practical joke we would play on the other mechanics on a jet fighter. During loading operations we would yell, āOOPS!ā and act like we were running away. You have never seen a guy egress a cockpit so fast in your life. Iāve seen guys jump from the plane and just forgo the boarding ladder all together.
Then there are the pranks that we would put some thought and time intoā¦
During a war exercise in the early 1990ās my load crew was doing a nuclear load out. We would wear our full on chemical warfare ensemble, suit, gloves, gas mask. A nuclear weapon would be delivered to us. Now, most of the time we used what we called āshapesā. A fake nuke. Looks just like the real thing. Those of us that handled it could tell the difference. But those not familiar as we were with it had no clue. And the Security Police treated them as the real thing, no matter what, and they were all very trigger happy. So you donāt break any rules. Inert weapons were treated as the real thing, by everyone, all the time.
Since it was an exercise of what we would do in wartime, we were in a blackout condition. No lights. No flashlights. Even vehicle lights were masked off to allow the smallest amount of light to see with. So working in the dark was dangerous, so we used chemical glow sticks. Bend it, break the glass inside, it glows bright green. Gives you a bubble of light to work in.
So one night, my crew and I are removing a weapon from an aircraft to send it back into storage. The glowstick I had pinned to my chest was leaking, they tended to do that after a few hours. So as we brought the weapon out from under the aircraft, I was squeezing the glow stick, and had dripping glowing goo coming off my hands. I waved over to the Security Police guard that was assigned to watch our load area and shouted, āHey, we have a leaky bomb hereā.
The poor guy lost it. Literally. He was scrambling at the radio mike he had attached to his collar and couldnt get a hold of it. He kept dropping it. I quickly ran over to him because I was afraid he was gonna pass out. He went pale white. I explained that it wasnāt really the bomb, it was just my glow stick.
He said, āOh, I figured that out in like 2 seconds. But in those 2 seconds I shat my pants and pissed myself. I need to call in for relief so I can go shower and change.ā He was a good sport about it. Better than his relief was. His relief was his Flight Chief. His Boss. A guy that became accustomed to life behind the desk and didnāt do guard duty anymore. No one else was available to take his place so he was forced to leave the comfy office and stand guard for me.
After the weapons were towed off to storage and we were now in a āopen zoneā that SPās boss came up to me, and didnāt look very pleased. He explained to me his job, what he does, and why he shouldnāt be out here. And if I pulled another prank like that he would personally take care of things. He had two more stripes than I did, so I took it pretty serious. He turned and walked away, but stopped, and yelled back to me, āBut that was funny as hell!ā
No actual nukes were used in the making of said prank. āShapesā were used as stand ins.
I was a long time member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and a devout Pastafarian.
Obviously that wonāt work for someone on keto so I switched to Odin and Thor and pretty much follow Ricky Gervais as my prophet now that Chris Hitchens is no longer with us.
I joined and donated to Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption but was disappointed it only lasted a few weeks.
āwhen someone sends you jizz through the mail, itās time to stop doing whatever youāre doingā Praised be!
If I were to ever wear a face mask, this would be the one. Problem is it wont last long. Iād have to carry a cooler full!