Cheating Strategies

(karen) #1

No, it’s not what you think. :slight_smile:

I’m going to visit my 90 year old mother who lives in a retirement community for 10 days next week. What this basically means is she will insist on cooking or we will eat in the community’s dining hall 2-3x a day for 10 days. Both of these options are basically crap as far as keto is concerned. I can expect to be subjected to everything from “you have to eat breakfast” to “potatoes are fine, don’t be silly, don’t waste food, eat them.” to "don’t call attention to yourself (with a “special” diet), to “you’re too thin already” to “saturated fat is a sin” to “You have to have some of this dessert, it’s my birthday” to … well you know the drill. We don’t exactly have a healthy respectful adult relationship and I’m not really expecting that to change, she’s very happy with our relationship just the way it is.

I am enjoying my keto journey very much and I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made, I feel like I’m finally starting to be fat adapted but I’m not there yet. I don’t want to lose this!!!

So … rally round me and give me some advice for how to navigate this minefield. I know I’m going to gain some weight and lose my keto, but the stronger I can stay, the better.

ETA: Rereading this, it sounds very cold and ungrateful. I don’t mean to be either of those things, I love my Mom and I’m trying to help her feel good about herself, especially as her health declines and her victories dwindle. It’s just that I want personal authority over personal choices. I feel like her ordering me about what to eat is akin to my telling her I’d prefer it if she wore nightgowns to bed rather than pajamas.

(Brian) #2

Just do the best you can and enjoy the time with mom. You won’t have her forever.

If she’s cooking and she gives you any choices, pick the best that you can and try not to overeat on the stuff that is the most carby.

If you’re in the dining hall, do the best you can to select the least carby and least sugary stuff you can and stay busy with that the best you can. If it’s a salad, make that last. If it’s dessert, you’re too full for more than just a small bite.

Ultimately, you’ll probably end up eating things you don’t want to. Don’t beat yourself up too badly about it. Know that you’re doing it for a reason and that when your visit is over, you’ll be going back to your normal (keto) way of eating.

Sometimes, the social stuff is more important than whether you’re strict with your diet, unless, of course, it’s life threatening.

Good luck! And enjoy mom. Mine passed away a little over a year ago and it leaves a big hole…

(TJ Borden) #3

I second what @Bellyman said

(Mandy) #4

I agree–@Bellyman pretty much said it all!

:rofl: I think my mom looks at what I’m eating/cooking and is secretly thinking this!! She’s very judgy.

But seriously. I just got back from a trip to mexico–all inclusive resort–:anguished:

It wasn’t as hard as I anticipated. Is the dining hall a buffet type thing? That was the easiest for me–only took the keto options…or as close as I could get. Restaurants were a bit tougher so I just kinda ate around the carbs. I did have a few bites of dessert just to try what others were having…and a whole piece of cake on my son’s birthday. And lots of dirty martinis…so I didn’t much care that I was a bit off-track :wink:

My mother and I have the same sort of relationship as you describe–so I get it…just do the best you can and try to enjoy some time with her! And maybe watch what others are eating and think how many carbs are on their plate…I was A-mazed at the amount of bread people ate at the resort :flushed: that should make you feel better!

(karen) #5

We have had a really fractious relationship for just about my entire life, all the mother-daughter drama plus just a lot of authority issues that just get weirder the older I get. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and that was soo hard, he was the one with the unequivocal support. This … I am doing my best to just … be nice. Superficial. It’s what she wants. Keto seems like a hard-won victory but maybe I’m just focusing on it because I have such a trigger around her inappropriate authority and I’m very defensive about what I’ve achieved. … KCKO, right.

(karen) #6

The dining hall is a limited menu formal dining with wait service. We usually eat with some friends of hers, hence the “don’t call attention to yourself” business. But that will probably be the easiest part of this, I should be able to pick at least some things that fit my macros.

(Something I should put in Keto Complaint: i have a box of clothes in my closet I refer to as the Dynasty Collection - it’s the sort of thing the older ladies on Dynasty would have worn to lunch, houndstooth check jackets and chanel type suits and sensible pumps out of the early 1980s. My Mom Wardrobe. And now none of it fits! Thanks a lot, keto.)

(KetoQ) #7

Have a plan to succeed. Or a plan to at least be 90% successful

Bring some keto friendly foods for you to snack on, and eat as many keto friendly choices in the dining hall. That should at least help you maintain in the event you feel you need to do some “social eating” to keep the peace.

Perhaps eat a filling keto breakfast before you see her in the morning, so food is not so much the focus of your day.

If she asks about your diet or makes a comment, tell her, “I’m making an effort to stay away from the sugars and junk. I’m trying to eat healthy.” What mom can argue with that? Don’t explain keto to her. That’s your business. If she doesn’t agree with it, she may sabotage you.

Now, I realize you may want to eat some non keto to make things go smoother with your mom. You may never have 10 days with her again. Is eating some potatos and cake going to be the end of the world? No. You can get back on keto.

Do the best you can. I understand your frustration. I have a strong willed, opinionated mother, too. And you’re not cold and ungrateful, you just have a right to live your life the way you see fit.

(karen) #8

Thing is, I’ll be living there for ten days. All mom, all the time, 24-7. 240 hours of watching MASH and Wheel of Fortune and being ordered to eat every 3 waking hours. And I do a 6 hour IF window from 12-6. It’s sort of a no win situation, if I try to explain the science I’m a know it all and if I just try to eat what I want I’m a brat - you’d think I was 5 instead of 55, it’s so strange it’s almost funny. If I say I’m trying to eat healthy, she’ll have a field day with what healthy means. I mean we ALL know what healthy means, right? Whole grains, fruit, weird yelllow stuff that looks sort of like butter, potatoes, rice, whole wheat bread bread bread, no saturated fat and less meat, “balanced” with chips, cookies and donuts.

#9

I live in a retirement community. As someone in independent living, I get breakfast plus either lunch or dinner.

I usually end up taking my meals home and using everything as raw ingredients for my meal. That means I tell them (or ignore) breads, rice, pasta, noodles, potatoes, gravies, sauces, etc. My typical breakfast. No danish, no toast, no bagel, no pancakes, no biscuits and gravy, no oatmeal, no prunes, …

It’s easy for me to make salads or soups. If I get a “Club sandwich” without bread and a large side salad, I take the ham, turkey, and bacon from the sandwich and top my salad with it. I can also get hard-boiled eggs, which I’ll slice up and put on top. Add some shredded cheese. Voila. A chef salad.

When we have tacos or fajitas, I tell them to keep the taco shells or tortillas and just give me the “innards”. Great for making a chili or a soup.

The other day they had chicken salad on a croissant. I just told them to keep the croissant, and then wrapped the chicken salad into a soy wrapper. Or, just eat it with a fork or spoon.

But it’s going to depend a lot on what their dining room has to offer.

(karen) #10

Thank you so much for this OgreZed. I just found a thread of your progress and it’s really heartening to know that you can still do keto when someone else is basically ‘grocery shopping’ for you, SAD style. The meals in Mom’s cottage are going to be harder … maybe I’ll just suggest we should ‘treat ourselves’ and eat as many meals Not at home as possible. :grin:

(bulkbiker) #11

Do you really have to stay there 24/7? Is it like prison? Can’t you take some time out like go for an early morning walk whilst they are carbing out at breakfast and do a sneaky fast?
My mother is 92 and eats an appalling bad diet mainly sugar based. She will never change and to be honest I have given up. We did manage to get her off statins which had a major beneficial effect on her mentally but she still only eats garbage.

(karen) #12

She lives in an independent “cottage” that is bigger than my house, with a guest room. So a typical day is up around 7, sit and chat a bit and have breakfast - coffee, cereal and low fat milk or toast and jam with a glass of OJ. sit and chat, watch tv, I get online and she gets carted off to some medical procedure or another. Home in time for lunch: diet soda, sandwich, pasta heavy soup, piece of fruit and cookie. Jigsaw puzzles and “tea” at 3 or so with more cookies or chocolates. Sherry at 4:30 with a bowl of chips. Dinner in the Hall at 6 - salad, 3 course meal and dessert. Home, tv, bowl of ice cream around 8. … Writing it out like this is useful, thank you. I can see some places to sneak around the routine or make it somehow seem like I’m having tea and cookies when I’m really just having tea, toast and jam when it’s really just coffee and a treat for the birds, ice cream that’s an empty bowl and a clattering spoon. maybe upping the walks will put me in a better mood and boost the burn a little too.

(bulkbiker) #13

You just have to be a bit sneaky…:smiling_imp:

(Doug) #14

Dude, what about brains, though? :slightly_smiling_face::wink::smile:

(Marta Loftfield) #15

@kib I can see where this will be hard. Bring fatty snacks. Nuts, cheese,cocoa butter, coconut oil😎. Maybe others can help add things you can bring to add fat to your diet. Then do the best you can with the sad offerings. I wish you luck!

(Robert C) #16

My Grandmother always wanted to watch Golden Girls. If I could spend 10 days in reruns with her I’d do it gladly. You are talking about a very limited exposure to carbs - one time basis. Knowing you will happily go back to keto is most important.

(Karen) #17

I love that you are taking the high road.

K

(Karen) #18

Take big helpings of green salad. Very low carb and everyone thinks you’re soooo healthy. It fills your plate too.

K

(You've tried everything else; why not try bacon?) #19

Lots of good tactics here. Don’t hesitate to use them. Also, pack pepperoni, pork rinds, and the like, so you can stay keto when your mom’s not looking. And don’t hesitate to “run errands” or even sneak out if you have to.

It’s a lovely sentiment when people tell you to appreciate the time you have with your mother, but even that can turn into a form of coercion, I found. What helped me most was two reflections: my feelings are my feelings, good or bad, and I am entitled to feel them, whatever they are. And second, love is an action, not a sentiment. I can still act lovingly, no matter what I am feeling at any given moment.

Caring for my mother in her final years was both exasperating and a privilege. I’m glad I was able to show up for her, especially since I so often didn’t want to. It was hard work, but I don’t regret it. Hope that makes sense; I know what I mean, but it’s very hard to articulate.

(karen) #20

Maybe I’ll post some commentary on Lawrence Welk when I can’t take it any more. :scream: