So every other Sunday I spend the day with my mother. We usually go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast, but it’s hard for me to get enough to eat there without spending a lot of money. The breakfasts are all a tiny bit of meat with maybe two eggs, and then a bunch of carby sides. So this sunday I said we should go to Golden Corrall, so I could load up on bacon. Between the sweetened bacon and the temptation of the spread, I gave in and cheated hard. French fries, tater tots, home fries, doughnuts, chocolate milk, chocolate covered marshmallows. I went apeshit.
So needless to say I got thirsty. All of a sudden my body is making glycogen, and I need water to store it. I couldn’t get enough to drink, especially with my mother taking her sweet ass time when shopping. More than once I had to ditch her to go buy something to drink. I got home way after my usual bedtime. So despite several large bottles of overpriced mineral water, long stops at every water fountain I saw, and a few Powerade zeros, I slammed about another half gallon of water before going to bed. I slept pretty well.
When I woke up I had to pee as I usually do. It’s a rare day when I don’t open my eyes and immediately go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom and started to pee. Dark, bloody pee. I started to freak out, but quickly slipped into denial. “I’m probably just a little dehydrated, and the red color is probably just that red Powerade coming through. That happens to some people,” I said to myself. I drank a bunch more water and went about my morning. (I work the night shift, so after getting to bed late and sleeping in very late my “morning” started around 2:30 AM.) About 6 AM, I peed again, and while it wasn’t dark and dehydrated, it was still obviously bloody. No more denial, I went to Dr. Google for help. It mentioned that bloody urine is most commonly associated with kidney stones, especially if it happens after becoming dehydrated. I got scared. Despite no other symptoms, I was sure it was a kidney stone, and I’ll tell you why.
Normally I eat KetoAF. Mostly beef. I have a guilty pleasure, though. It’s still keto, but definitely not carnivore: Lily’s chocolate. Lately I’ve found more and more of it sneaking into my diet, especially with the recent sale at my local grocer. Chocolate is a high oxalate food. Most kidney stones are calcium oxalate. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” I waited until my doctor opened and called, only to get a recording that they were closed. Of course they were, it was memorial day. “FUCK FUCK FUCK MY LIFE”
Ever since my mom learned how to text, she sends me a goodnight text after she gets up in the morning, and wishes me a good night at work before she goes to bed. So I’m sitting there wondering what to do while reading more about kidney stones and how some women have said it was worse than childbirth, when my back starts to hurt. “Oh boy. It begins,” I think to myself. I go and lie down on my bed as if that will make a difference. Around then I get the morning text from my mom. Ah-ha! Mom was a nurse. She will know what to do! I tell her what’s up, and I get a text back “keep drinking water and CALL THE DR.” I explain to her that I tried and they were closed. She explained to me that if I had listened to the whole recording there was an exchange I could call and get a message to an on-call Dr. that would let me know if I needed to go to the ER now, or wait for things to get worse. Also she said to find a strainer and start straining my pee. So I called the exchange, and they said they’d pass my message on to the Dr and I should get a call back in a few minutes. I lay there and another wave of pain starts. This one is worse. It actually gets pretty bad, but not bad enough to make me want to go to the ER before hearing back from the Dr. This wave of pain subsides, and I go tell my roommate what’s up in case it gets too bad for me to drive. After talking to him I realize it’s been like an hour since I’ve called the exchange, and there hasn’t been a call from the Dr. It’s almost noon, and I need to get back on a normal (for me) schedule, so I txt my mom that I’m going to bed but will keep her updated if the Dr. calls or if I need to go to the ER. Between the anxiety of having a kidney stone and sleeping so late the night before, I have some trouble getting to sleep, but probably drift off about 1:30 or so. I wake up to pee about 6PM, and realize I slept fine and without any pain. I’m a huge wimp. If something hurt even a little I would have woken up for sure. My pee only had a trace of blood in it. Nothing in the strainer. I went back to sleep and got up just after midnight feeling fine.
I had miraculously dodged a bullet. When my Dr’s office opened I managed to get an appt that day. It was around my bedtime and I had work that night, but I went anyway just in case. He said that I should keep drinking plenty of water and straining my pee. The stone was probably bouncing around in my bladder, and may take a few days to come out. He said he could do ultrasounds and cat scans, but they’re expensive and probably wouldn’t tell us much, if anything. He said to stay hydrated and to stop eating the chocolate. If I catch the stone in the strainer I should bring it in for analysis.
So I’m at work Wednesday night peeing through my strainer, wondering how long I should keep straining. It’s the third night and I’ve never found anything in the strainer. That’s when I look down and see it. A 2mm peebaby. I named it Natsuki (夏稀, “summer, rare”) since memorial day is the unofficial start of summer. I have become the proud Papa. I’ll be taking it in to the Dr. this morning.
Moral of the story? When you have a cheat meal, you’re only cheating yourself. I got off easy. I could have been in for hours of extreme agony. Also plant antinutrients can really fuck you up.
TL;DR, my cheat day dehydrated me and gave me a kidney stone, but by some miracle my suffering was mild and brief. Stay keto, kids.